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Last night I started writing this up for a laugh after a discussion about the falling quality of Trek. Looking at the end result, I'm not sure whether it was influenced more by alcohol or lack of sleep (both by the looks of it), but I thought some of you might enjoy my not so serious concept for a Trek movie, so here it is.

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Star Trek XII : Quality Control

Part 1/4

"What do you want, Q?" Picard snapped at the grinning figure who had just appeared in front of him on the bridge of the Enterprise D.

"How are you , Jean-Luc?" Q asked cheerfully, ignoring the question. "Are you well?"

"I was a lot better before you turned up."

"Oh, why the hostility? Are we not friends?" Q asked. Picard said nothing, but continued glaring at him. "A pity, I'd hoped we were. Particularly since I need to ask a favour of you."

"What makes you think I'd want to do anything for you?" Picard asked angrily.

"Hmm, well, maybe I'll make you an offer. You help me, and I won't ever bother you again. Promise. Or I could just drop you next to a Borg Cube until you agreed to help me, whatever works best for you." Picard sighed, knowing that there was nothing he could do but play along.

"Fine, fine. But what do you need me for?"

"I need you, and your ship and crew for that matter, because I cannot do this." Q replied, almost reluctantly. Picard laughed.

"Oh, so what is this undoable task, then? And why can't you do it?"

"Because doing so would break my contract." Q replied calmly.

"Your .contract?" Asked Worf, confused.

"Yes, Microbrain, a contract." Q snapped.

"Just what sort of contract?" Picard asked curiously.

"My acting contract with the studio, of course."

"Your what?" Riker asked. Q just sighed.

"Look, why don't we just sit down and we can talk about this in comfort." He snapped his fingers, and with a flash they were all suddenly down in Ten Forward, sitting around a large table.

"Who's on the bridge?" Riker asked, jumping up. Q motioned for him to sit back down.

"Relax, time's frozen for a bit so we can finish our discussion in peace. Not offering me a drink, Jean-Luc? Aren't hosts usually supposed to do that?"

"Just get to the point." Picard snapped, what little patience he had for the nuisance fading fast.

"Fine, fine. Well, first I have some news for you that's going to be a bit hard to believe. This is not the real universe."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that all this," He said, waving his arms around expansively. "is not real."

"I'm afraid I don't understand." Picard said, frowning. Everyone else looked just as lost as him.

"You are actually all characters on a TV show from the 20th century, called Star Trek."

"Oh don't be ridiculous." Picard scoffed.

"Think about it." Q replied. "Think of all those lucky escapes you've had. Think of all those times your ship's nearly exploded, but been saved at the last second. Think of all those times you've defeated some great threat going to destroy Earth. Think of the way you pull solutions to any problem out of nowhere. Think of Wesley. You seriously think he was realistic?"

"Well ."Picard began, thinking. "You may have a point about Wesley, but all that other stuff was mostly just luck. Mr LaForge is the one who solves these problems."

"Em, actually, Captain." Geordi said, somewhat embarrassed. "Most of the time I didn't have a clue what I was doing. I just made up words and phrases and then, somehow, everything turned out alright."

"See?" Said Q. "He didn't know what he was doing, but he pretended he did, and the audience believed him. And because the audience believed him his solutions worked!"

"It must have just been luck." Answered Picard, though he was becoming less and less sure.

"Luck? Don't be ridiculous. How could you ever be that lucky."

"Captain." Data spoke up. "He may be correct. The likelihood of us succeeding in all those events are infinitesimally small. That we are, in fact, characters on some show may actually be the most logical answer." Picard frowned.

"Alright, fine. Assuming that what you say is true, what does this have to do with us."

"Well, my contract with the studio explicitly stops me interfering with any other captain but you unless it was written into the script. Therefore I cannot do this."

"Do what?"

"Quality control." He replied.

"What?" Riker asked blankly.

"Quality control." Said Q. "You know, making sure everything's of good quality. I can't do it, so I need you to do it for me."

"But why now?" Asked Picard.

"Because I've gotten fed up with how things are going. Lately it's just been crap episode after crap episode after crap film. Did you know that the latest film you're going to be appearing in has you fighting a clone of yourself?"

"What?" Said Picard, surprised. "A clone of myself?"

"Yes. One who looks nothing like you and wants to drink your blood. Oh, and he's going to take over the Romulan Empire and try and destroy Earth with a big super ship that's really quite pathetic."

"Why?" Asked Geordi.

"Because he hates humans because he was treated badly by the Romulans." There was a pause.

"But that doesn't make any sense." Said Picard.

"I know! That's exactly my point! We need to stop things from getting worse, or else the franchise may die completely!" Picard and Riker exchanged worried looks.

"What would that mean for us?"

"It would mean you will be doomed to countless reruns! Forced to repeat the same experiences over and over again!" There was a long silence at this pronouncement.

"Okay." Picard said quietly, understanding that it had to be done. "What do you want us to do?"

"Well, in TV a show or film revolves around certain characters. If those characters were to die it would end."

"So .what?"

"So I need you to find the characters responsible for the sorry state of Trek. I need you to find them, wherever they are, and I need you to kill them. If you do that then their show would cease to exist, bringing the quality of Star Trek back to its height!"

"But how would we ever find them?" Asked Riker. "We don't even know who's responsible for the poor quality."

"Ah," Replied Q. "But I do. I can drop you off near your target, but you'll have to do the dirty work for yourselves. Oh, and it must also be done by a main character, which means one of you named officers."

"Why?"

"Because every named character has a Character Shield. You don't notice it, but it's there. But when two characters with Character Shields fight each other, the shields cancel each other out."

"Alright then." Answered Picard. "Who do you want us to take down first?"

"You've heard of Captain Jonathan Archer, yes?"

"Of course." Picard said, nodding. "He flew the first warp 5 ship to explore the galaxy. Wait, you don't want us to kill him, do you?"

"As a matter of fact I do." Q replied.

"But why?"

"Because his show has gotten so inconsistent that many Star Trek fans have begun to disown it, some going so far as to call it the worst series ever. Its blatant contradictions of both other series and itself has gotten out of control."

"Alright." Said Picard. "How do we stop him?"

"I'll take you to where he is. You must kill him and destroy his ship in any way possible."

"That shouldn't be too hard." Answered Riker. "The Enterprise D is far more advanced than the NX."

"Don't be too sure of yourself." Commented Q darkly. "He has mastered the power of inconsistency. He will not be easy to defeat. That is why you're not going alone."

"You're sending another ship?" Picard guessed.

"Correct. Captain James T Kirk of the original Enterprise." Q snapped his fingers, and with a flash Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Chekov, Scotty and Sulu flashed into existence. Instantly they all drew their phasers, looking around them in shock.

"Spock, where .are we?" Kirk asked, aiming his phaser at Data.

"I'm not sure, Captain." Spock replied. "But we appear to have been transported onto another ship. Fascinating."

"I'll fill you in on the way there." Q informed Kirk calmly.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Q." Q replied calmly.

"I am Captain . James T Kirk of the starship ..Enterprise." Kirk announced. Picard leaned over to Q and spoke quietly.

"Why is he speaking like that?"

"He's from the sixties. An era when Trek had only a small budget, so he was the best they could get at the time. You get used to him. He's surprisingly popular among the fans."

"Why have you ..brought us .here?" Kirk asked.

"All in good time, Jim." Q replied brightly. "But you're going to help save our universe."

Part 2/4

"Captain?"

"What is it, Commander?" Asked Archer wearily, turning around to face the Vulcan.

"I'm detecting two other ships near our position. They seem to have just appeared there."

"Odd." Archer said, frowning. "On screen." He ordered. After a slight pause the screen changed to show the two new ships. They looked surprisingly similar to his own ship.

"Captain." Hoshi spoke up. "Both ships are identifying themselves as the Enterprise!"

"At last ." Archer said to himself, smiling humorlessly. "I knew they'd come. Open communications."

* * *

"Captain, we're being hailed by the NX." Data called out.

"On screen." Picard ordered, standing up from his chair. A smug voice rang out through the bridge.

"This is Captain Jonathan Archer of the Enterprise. And who might you be?"

"This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard ..also of the Enterprise. With me is Captain James T Kirk, again, on the Enterprise. I think we need to talk."

"There's nothing I want to talk with you about, Picard." Archer snapped. "I knew you'd come looking for me one day, do you think I wasn't prepared for this event?"

"What do you mean?" Picard asked cautiously. This wasn't what he'd expected. How could Archer have expected him?

"You just don't like the fact that your shows are over, do you? You can't accept that someone else is the big star now. But that's how it is. I'm the captain now. And this is my show! Not yours! And once I've killed you I'll be the only Enterprise captain in the show." With that, the message cut off.

"Captain," Said Troi fearfully. "I sense that he may harbour hostility towards us!" Riker and Picard exchanged looks, but said nothing.

"He can't seriously think he could beat us, can he?" Asked Riker. "We're far more powerful than him. He must be mad."

"Don't be too sure." Picard cautioned as he watched the NX come about and begin speeding towards the two Enterprises. "Remember what Q said, we shouldn't underestimate him."

* * *

"We're going to die!" Hoshi squealed.

"Shut up!" Snapped Archer.

"Captain, this may not be the most logical course of ac-"

"Shut up!" Archer snapped again, before turning and tapping the intercom button. "Trip, they've come. Is our special weapon ready?"

"Sure is. The Inconsistency Array is fully operational."

"Perfect." Archer said, smiling as he tapped at the newly installed control panel in the armrest of his chair.

* * *

"Keptin, the enemy wessel is firing torpedoes!" Chekov called out in warning. Kirk, sitting in his captain's chair, watched the torpedoes race towards him and Picard's ship.

"Shields." He ordered.

"Online."

"Why are they even bothering?" Kirk asked no one in particular. "They haven't got a hope of taking down our shields." Spock looked up from his console urgently.

"Captain, it may be advisable to hold onto something."

"Why?" Kirk asked, just before he was hurled out of his chair as the torpedoes slammed into the ship, causing massive damage. On the viewscreen he saw the E-D reeling from the damage the NX's torps had dealt it. "Report!" He yelled as he scrambled back to his feet.

"It appears the NX's torpedoes have increased in yield by several times its original amount." Spock answered, staring intently at the information being displayed at his station.

"But how? That shot was more powerful than anything we've got! That's not supposed to happen!" Spock looked up in surprise, realisation dawning on him.

"Captain, that's it! As that Q being mentioned, he controls the power of inconsistency. He must have discovered some way to make other objects under his control also become inconsistent. Fascinating."

"Return fire!" Kirk yelled. A trio of photon torpedoes shot away from the E-Nil, racing towards the NX. They slammed impotently against a shield, a shield the ship shouldn't have had.

"Damn it." Kirk swore. "It seems you were right, Spock. Uhura, inform Picard immediately. Warn him that Archer is far more inconsistent than we could have ever imagined."

* * *

"Captain, signal from the Enterprise." Data called out as Picard struggled back up off the floor.

"Which one?"

"Captain Kirk's, Sir. He believes that Captain Archer somehow has the power to make his ship and weapons more powerful than ours through the power of inconsistency."

"Damn! How are we supposed to fight such power?" Asked Riker.

"Captain, more torpedoes incoming!" Worf called out in warning.

"All hands brace for impact!" Picard yelled before he was hurled across the bridge as the ship lurched under the impact. "Damage report!" He yelled, struggling back to his feet. Data turned to him grimly.

"Engines, shields and weapons are all down."

"What, to one hit?" Asked Riker in disbelief.

"I believe it is to increase the tension for the audience, Sir." Data replied. He looked back at his console. "Captain, the NX is hailing us again."

"On screen." Picard said, wondering how the hell he was going to get out of this one. Archer reappeared, looking even smugger than before.

"Well, Picard. It seems you weren't as great as you were made out to be, were you?" He gloated. "Now, prepare to feel the wrath of my transphasic torpedoes!" The signal cut off, and Picard watched grimly as the NX swooped slowly around to target them.

Suddenly, Geordi snapped his fingers.

"Captain, I've got it! I'll just reroute the subspace manifold generators to mix with the by-phasic plasma injectors!"

"What? What does that even mean?" Asked Riker. "That doesn't even mean anything!"

"Exactly!" Geordi exclaimed triumphantly. "Remember what Q said? About how my sollutions worked because we convinced the audience that we knew what we were talking about? Well, maybe we can do the same here!"

"My God, you're right!" Said Picard, also catching on. "Mr Data, prepare to eject the forward plasma flux frequency arrays on a course towards the sun!"

"Should I also calibrate the sensors to emit a transphasic quantum pulse?"

"Yes! And Geordi you .uh .you ."

"Uh I'll .I'll, uh, I'll run an inverse quantum surge through the manifold arrays!"

"Perfect! And don't forget to modify the sub-atomic compensator arrays!"

"By switching them to a different frequency?"

"Yes! A quantum frequency! And run a quantum nano-pulse beam through the warp core and combine it with that particle we found last week in that nebula!"

"What about the quantum compensator drives?"

"Run them through the deflector dish! Run all of them through it! And put our reserves of quantum in as well!"

"All of them?"

"Yes, all of them! Use all the quantum we have! And then uh you'll uh ."

"Uh .I'll have the navigational deflectors emit a transuranic elemental tachyon pulse! And then ..um ."

"And then you'll emit the pulse through the auxillary quantum deflector and .."

"And combine it with the quantum sub-atomic frequency particles to emit an interferometric pulse through the ship and ..uh uh .."

"Uh .and then ..um, um, and then the NX will be consistant again for whatever reason!"

"Make it so!"

* * *

Archer frowned slightly as he felt the ship shudder under him. What was that? Nothing had fired at them. Before he could ask what the problem was, Reed looked up in alarm.

"Captain! We've lost shields, and our torpedoes are back to normal strength!"

"What?" Yelled Archer. "How?"

"Captain!" Trip's voice called out over the comms. "The Inconsistency Array ..it's broken down!"

"You mean?"

"Yes, Sir, we're consistent again!"

"Oh shit." Archer exclaimed.

* * *

"Captain, their ship has returned to normal! Their inconsistency has failed them!" Spock announced.

"Mr Sulu, bring us in on an intercept course. Ready torpedoes."

* * *

"Captain!" Yelled T'pol. "The smaller Enterprise is coming in on an intercept course."

"Hail them!" Archer yelled at Hoshi, who was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

"This is Captain Kirk. Any last words before we end your reign of inconsistency and lack of canonicity?"

"We surrender!" Archer called out. Kirk frowned, leaned forward towards the viewscreen and cupped a hand around his ear, as though he were struggling to hear him.

"What was that?"

"I said we surrender!"

"Sorry, you'll have to speak up. I can't quite hear you."

"We surrender!" Archer yelled at the other captain.

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am." Kirk replied casually. "Fire torpedoes."

* * *

The NX detonated violently under the barrage of torpedoes, pieces of hull being flung across the system. Watching from the bridge of his ship, Picard breathed a sigh of relief.

"It's done. Good thinking Mr LaForge."

"Very well done, Jean-Luc." Replied an all too familiar voice from behind him. Picard spun around to see Q lounging back in his chair.

"Is that it?" Picard asked. "Can we get home now?"

"I'm afraid not, unfortunately." Q replied. "Archer was, in a way, just a warm-up. You have an even bigger challenge ahead of you. A captain who is not just inconsistent, but wields incredible and unnatural powers over the laws of reality."

* * *

Deep in the depths of the uncharted regions of the galaxy, a small ship drifted lazily through the void. Across the soundless gulf of space, a voice rang out.

"Coffee! I demand coffee!"

nowhere near begins to describe my glee upon reading this. come's closer...:clappy:is also appropriate.
I think this may be the best way to sum it up:

That was amazing, I love it, now continue. In a timely fasion of course

Thanks guys. Part 3 will be up later tonight.

Y'know, I used to think your Nemesis piss-take was funny. I was wrong. By the standards of this it's positively mundane.

Absolutely magnificent.

Thank you.

Rochey.....that was bloody epic!

You actually made me gasp at the Janeway reference.

Rochey.....that was bloody epic!

You actually made me gasp at the Janeway reference.

Thanks. And if you're interested in how Janeway will be dealt with, read on.....

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Part 3/4

Voyager lurched hard to starboard as something slammed into its hull, causing the coffee cup that had been clutched in Janeway's hand to fall to the ground with a clatter. There was a deathly silence on the bridge, the crew too horrified to even gasp.

The Captain's coffee had been spilled.

Someone was going to die.

"Captain," Tuvok spoke up warily. He knew he was probably safer from the captain's occasional psychotic rages than most, as he had become indispensable when it came to disposing of the bodies. "Two Federation starships have just appeared behind us and are opening fire. On Galaxy class and a Constitution class both claim to be the Enterprise."

Janeway narrowed her eyes at the sight of the two ships approaching them, firing torpedoes as they came.

"Damage report!" She snapped.

"Shuttle bay destroyed, port nacelle blown off completely, aft torpedo launcher destroyed and our impulse drive is offline."

"That the best they can do?" Janeway asked with a small laugh. Sitting down again in her captain's chair, she ran a hand along the large green button on the right armrest. These people had made a serious mistake in interrupting her coffee break

* * *

"Voyager has taken heavy damage, Captain." Data called out. "It's engines are down, as is its aft armament."

"Excellent firing, Mr Worf." Picard complemented the Klingon, nodding. Given Archer's aggressive response to a diplomatic approach, both he and Kirk had agreed that simply coming out shooting would be the easiest way to deal with Janeway. It seemed as though it had worked, when without warning Voyager seemed to flicker out of existence. When it returned there was no trace of the damage the two ships had dealt it.

"Captain, the Voyager no longer has any damage to it!" Geordi called out in disbelief.

"What? How?" Picard asked. Even as he watched he could see Voyager looping around for its counter-attack. "Evasive manoeuvres!" He yelled. The massive ship swung ponderously to port, avoiding the torpedoes. The Enterprise Nil was not so fortunate, and a trio of torpedoes slammed into its hull, knocking out its warp core and leaving the ship drifting helplessly.

"Captain, the E-Nil has lost power!" Riker yelled, consulting a display. The ship rocked as more torpedoes impacted it. Picard looked at the viewscreen. On it, Voyager was firing out streams of dozens of torpedoes, far more than it should have had.

"How is it still firing?" Picard yelled. "They can't have that many torpedoes on board!"

"Unknown, Captain." Data replied, raising his voice over the sound of the explosions. "It's as if they have a limitless supply of them."

"Mr Worf, return fire!" Picard yelled.

Phaser fire and torpedoes lashed out at Voyager. After a moment or two its shields failed, the phaser beams and torpedoes slamming into its hull, ripping out entire sections of the ship. Then, as before, the ship flickered and the damage done seemed to simply disappear.

"Data, scan that ship! Find out what the hell is going on!" Picard yelled. There was a slight pause as Data scanned the ship. After a moment he turned back around.

"Sir, Captain Janeway appears to have found a working model of a very rare piece of technology known as a Reset Button. When utilised, it resets the ship affected to its earlier configuration, effectively giving them an unlimited supply of torpedoes and invincible shields and hull plating."

"How can we hope to defeat such power?" Riker asked in horror.

"Captain," Called out Geordi. "Maybe our technobabble trick will work again?"

"It's worth a try. Lieutenant Worf, bring me my dictionary!"

* * *

"Enemy shields are beginning to fail." Tuvok reported. "Our own shields are still at acceptable levels. The Reset Button is still functional."

"You know," Commented Chakotay. "my people have an old story that's quite appropriate for this. Long ago, there lived a bear up in a cave in the mountains. One day the bear went out to find some fish ."

"Captain," Called out Kim. "I'm detecting unusual signals from the Enterprise D's bridge."

"What sort of signals, Ensign?"

" .and so the beetle spoke to the eagle, and the eagle taught him the means to make fire .."

"I'm not sure, Captain, but it may be large quantities of technobabble."

" ..but the antelope was not happy about what the deer said, and so "

"Technobabble?"

"Yes, Captain."

"The fools." Janeway said, smiling coldly. "Do they not realise I have mastered the art of technobabble?"

" ..and so the shark said to the koala, 'why are you so angry at the kangaroo?' And it replied .."

"Captain, those levels of technobabble are building up rapidly." Warned Kim.

"Don't worry, they're no threat to us. Call Torres up to the bridge. Tell her we need a technobabble sollution to something. I'll refine it afterwards."

" but the alligator was angered by the crow's words, and so he ate the crow. And that, I think, is quite an important lesson to remember given the current situation."

* * *

" .and then mix that with the quantum flux capacitor and charge it to a sub-atomic frequency .."

" .and then that will cause the reset button to break!" Geordi yelled triumphantly.

"Perfect!" Cried Picard, tossing the dictionary aside. "Make it so!"

With those words, Voyager began to shake uncontrollably. Consoles throughout the ship began to detonate violently. A large bluish glow began to build up around the E-D's deflector dish, which then discharged as a ball of destructive energy, powered by the very force of technobabble itself.

* * *

"The Enterprise has released its technobabble attack!" Tuvok called out in warning. Janeway didn't answer, too engrossed in her counter-technobabble with Torres and Kim.

" .and utilise the portside manifolds to deliver quantum pulse through the subspace array!" She yelled. A bright red bolt of energy shot out of Voyager's deflector dish, which slammed into the bright blue ball emitted by Enterprise.

The two flickered for a moment, as if wondering how they were supposed to react to each other. Then, with a titanic blast, the two bolts detonated, showering the system with streams of technobabble. The E-D was hit hardest, as Janeway's mastery of the power of technobabble had indeed been greater. All throughout the ship, random technobabble-induced effects wreaked havoc. Flowerpots changed into rubber chickens, the replicators became unable to produce anything but silly-string, Worf became a pirate and Ten Forward was transformed into a 60's disco with garish pink walls.
On Voyager there was only one small, but important effect. The Reset Button broke.

"Reset Button is not responding!" Tuvok called out urgently.

"Keep firing!" Janeway yelled. "Fire every torpedo we have!"

As she watched, streams of torpedoes raced towards the E-D, knocking out the stricken ship's shields.

"Enemy shields are down." Kim announced.

"Perfect." Janeway said, smiling cruelly. "Resume firing. Destroy their ship."

"Captain," Tuvok spoke up hesitantly. "we are out of torpedoes."

"Damnit!" She yelled. Her eyes darted around the bridge, before finally resting on Harry. She thought for a moment. "Ensign Kim, I have a new assignment for you .."

* * *

"Voyager is coming about on another attack run." Data reported calmly. Picard watched the screen grimly, knowing that at any moment the other ship would unleash another barrage of torpedoes. However, instead of a torpedo, a young Asian man in a gold uniform was blasted out of the tubes. Everyone on the bridge watched in surprise as the man hurtled towards the ship, before finally impacting with a loud clang.

"They be firing officers at us!" Worf yelled, gesturing with a hook.

"Return fire!" Picard yelled. Worf hesitated for a moment, seemingly unsure, and then strode over to Geordi and began dragging him towards the turbolift.

"Not me you idiot!" He yelled. "He means a torpedo!"

"Yarr, I be sorry." Worf replied, before tapping the firing controls. A stream of small cylindrical objects floated off in the vague direction of Voyager.

"What? Those aren't torpedoes!" Yelled Picard. Data consulted his console for a moment before replying.

"Captain, it appears the technobabble explosion has replaced all of our torpedoes with vodka bottles. Empty ones."

"Damn it." Picard sighed. "Now what?"

"Captain!" Yelled Geordi. "I think I know of a way we can beat Voyager!"

"What? How?"

"Look at this display of the system. See that right there? It's a black hole! If we could force Voyager into the black hole they'd be destroyed!"

"That's it!" Picard exclaimed. "But how do we do that?" He thought for a moment, then the answer hit him.

"Data!" He yelled. "Target that small asteroid nearby with a tractor beam. Slam it into the Voyager on a trajectory that will force the ship into the black hole!"

* * *

"It appears that Ensign Kim was unsuccessful in his attempt to breach the Enterprise's hull." Tuvok reported.

"Damn." Janeway muttered. She was about to order Tuvok to try firing more officers out, when the ship lurched violently and began spinning wildly out of control. "Report!" She yelled, fighting to stay standing.

"The Enterprise just hit us with a small asteroid." He answered, clinging onto his console for support.

"Captain!" Yelled Paris. "We've just passed the event horizon of the black hole! We're trapped!"

"The hell we are!" Janeway snapped, reaching for the large red button on the left armrest of her chair.

* * *

"Voyager has passed beyond the event horizon." Data reported. Picard breathed a sigh of relief.

"Finally, we're done here." He said, sitting back down in his captain's chair. "Set course for-"

"Captain!" Called out Data suddenly. "I'm reading large quantities of anti-logic coming from Voyager!"

"What?" Yelled Picard in alarm. He watched on the viewscreen as the Voyager began moving impossibly away from the black hole. A chill went down his spine as he realised what this might mean. Grimly, he ordered "Mr Data, scan Voyager. Tell me what kind of power core it's using." Data conducted the scan as ordered, and upon seeing the results came as close to feeling fear as he ever had in his life. Quietly, he reported his findings.

"Captain, the Voyager is running on a logic/anti-logic reactor." The bridge went deathly silent as this discovery.

"That's it then." Riker said fatalistically. "We've no hope of beating them."

"No .we may still have a chance." Answered Picard. "It's a long shot, but we just might be able to pull it off. We can't defeat the ship, but maybe we can defeat the crew! Every named officer: report to the transporter room immediately!"

* * *

"Captain, we're free of the event horizon!" Paris yelled. Janeway was about to order the attack to resume when suddenly the officers of the E-D beamed onto the bridge, phasers drawn.

"Captain Janeway." Said Picard, pointing his phaser at her. "Surrender now or be destroyed."

"You know," Commented Chakotay. "my father once told me of a story. One day, down in the forests, there lived a fox. One evening the fox left its den to hunt, when a man started shooting at it. The man was wearing an onion on his belt - that was the style at the time - and he used it to repel the various forest creatures from coming near him. But as he hunted the fox through the forest, the mighty lion became enraged by the smell. He began to hunt the man through the forest, and he eventually caught up with the man. The man asked the lion 'why do you hunt me?'. And the lion pointed out that the man was wearing an onion on his belt - that was the style at the time - and told the man the ancient lion tale of how the Great Onion King of Canada hunted the lions to near extinction, making onions the natural enemies of the lions. But the man refused to get rid of the onion, and threatened to plant more and more onions throughout the forest. An eagle watching this quickly flew to tell the other eagles of this plan to seed onions throughout the land, and the eagles quickly began spreading the warning of the impending onion doom to all the forest dwellers. The news caused a massive stampede of giraffes, which crushed both the man and the lion, and also killed off the eagles' food supply, causing their extinction in that region. Later that night, the fox returned to the scene and he ate the onion." Chakotay nodded wisely as he finished.

"What?" Yelled Riker. "What the fuck does that even mean?!?"

"Ah, swearing." Chakotay commented. "You know, I recall an old tale my people once told about the nature of swearing. A long time ago, an antelope was climbing a mountain, when it came across a YAAAAAAARGGHHHHHHH!!!!"

"Thank you Mr Data." Picard said as Data resumed aiming at Paris. "Now, Captain Janeway, are you going to come quietly?"

Instead of answering, Janeway launched herself across the bridge to attack Picard. Picard fired his phaser, but missed. The two of them then engaged in a hand to hand fight that was indescribable in its power and spectacle, but Picard was unable to triumph, and the E-D crew were sent fleeing from the bridge, eventually barricading themselves in a nearby room. Riker couldn't believe it.

"But .but, Captain, you've beaten Klingons in combat before! How could she beat you? It makes no sense!"

"Exactly!" Picard snapped. "It makes no sense. It is not logical. This ship has become so pervaded with illogic that we cannot hope to defeat her ..unless unless we trick her into getting off the ship. If she's separated from the logic/anti-logic reactor, then she will be unable to harness the power of anti-logic!"

"But how will we do that?" Riker asked. Picard thought about it for a moment, and then smiled.

"Mr Riker, Mr LaForge, go down to the cafeteria. Get as much coffee as you can find, and bring it to the starboard airlock. I have a cunning plan .."

* * *

Riker and Geordi walked slowly and cautiously into Voyager's cafeteria, phasers drawn. It seemed to be deserted but for a strange alien stirring something in a large pot. Neelix looked up and noticed them.

"Ah! New customers! Please, sit." He said, gesturing towards the empty seats in the cafeteria. Riker and Geordi looked at the creature's clothes in horror. It looked as though he had blown up a dozen homeless people and knitted their clothes back together. "What can I get for you?" He asked cheerfully.

"Uh coffee. As much as you have." Riker replied, confused.

"Coffee? I'm afraid you can't have any." Neelix replied happily.

"Why not?"

"Why, because there's a battle on, of course!"

"Well .what does that have to do with coffee?"

"I've instated Coffee Martial Law!" Neelix announced.

"Coffee Martial Law?" Geordi asked, confused.

"Of course! Can you imagine people conducting a battle with a free supply of coffee to anyone who wanted it? It would be madness! Now, if you'd like, I can get you some of this delicious gumroot stew I've been making .."

Riker and Geordi exchanged looks. As one, they raised their phasers.

* * *

"Captain?" Tuvok called.

"What?" She snapped.

"I've located Picard and his crew."

"Well, where are they?"

"They're at the starboard airlock. They appear to be trying to jettison the ship's supply of coffee." He looked up. Janeway was already gone.

* * *

"Here she comes!" Riker yelled. "Everyone ready?"

As the scream of "Coooooffffffeeeeeeeeeee!" grew louder and louder the E-D crew grabbed on to anything they could find in preparation for the decompression. When she was just five metres away from the crates of coffee, Data yanked down on the lever that forced the airlock door open. Running headlong towards it, Janeway was sucked out of it instantly. However, as she hurtled out the airlock door she slammed into Picard, knocking him out of the ship with her. The E-D crew watched in silent horror as Picard fell towards the heart of the black hole with Janeway before the airlock doors slammed shut, cutting him off from view.
The crew stood there for a moment, stunned into inaction, before ear-splitting alarms began blaring throughout the ship. Data quickly consulted his tricorder.

"Commander, with Captain Janeway gone there is no longer enough anti-logic to safely maintain the reaction in the L/AL reactor!" Riker slapped his combadge.

"Enterprise, beam us up! Now!"

* * *

Safely back on the E-D's bridge, Riker and the rest of the officers watched silently as the Voyager's logic/anti-logic reactor overloaded. With a flash of pure logic, the ship disintegrated.

"We lost a good man today, a great captain." Riker said sadly. The rest of the crew nodded, silent save for the occasional "Yarr" from Worf. "But at least he can rest in peace, knowing that he helped us complete our mission."

"That he can." Replied Q, appearing behind them. "A pity about poor Jean-Luc, but I'm afraid it's still not over. You've destroyed the symptoms of this lack of quality control, but now it's time to take down the source of it. However, you are no longer needed. I'm sure Jim would love to have the honour of the final blow, and I'm sure you're more than eager to get back. Oh, and don't worry," He added. "I'll fix any damage or changes done to the ship because of this little adventure." And with a snap of his fingers, the E-D returned to its original location in the Alpha Quadrant.

The empty bottles of vodka were once again replaced by the torpedoes.
Worf ceased to be a pirate.
The replicators were fully functional again.
The rubber chickens returned to their original potted plant forms.
Ten Forward ceased to be a disco, and returned to the way it had always been. Though from that day forward, everyone who went in would experience an inexplicable urge to get down and boogie.

I am still expecting an all out batle between the Enterprise of Kirk and the evil uber ship with a secret megazord mode and a power source that runs on plotholium, with the battle being fought in the orbits of Earth, where nothing is to be seen, even though it is supposed to be one of the busiest places.

The megazord Class Superdestroyers would of course be imagined by brannon braga, an evil scientist who used genetic engineering on himself to communicate via subspace with his ship and to become the most illogical being in the universe.

Rochey, you've got my parents giving me weird looks cause of my unending giggling xD

Thank you both.

Part 4 coming shortly, and it's mostly just an epilogue to tie up the loose ends.

I look forward to it.

Part three wasn't quite as good as the first two, but excellent nonetheless.

That's because the first two parts were fuled by lack of sleep and probably some sort of alcohol.