Rochey.....that was bloody epic!
You actually made me gasp at the Janeway reference.
Thanks. And if you're interested in how Janeway will be dealt with, read on.....
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Part 3/4
Voyager lurched hard to starboard as something slammed into its hull, causing the coffee cup that had been clutched in Janeway's hand to fall to the ground with a clatter. There was a deathly silence on the bridge, the crew too horrified to even gasp.
The Captain's coffee had been spilled.
Someone was going to die.
"Captain," Tuvok spoke up warily. He knew he was probably safer from the captain's occasional psychotic rages than most, as he had become indispensable when it came to disposing of the bodies. "Two Federation starships have just appeared behind us and are opening fire. On Galaxy class and a Constitution class both claim to be the
Enterprise."
Janeway narrowed her eyes at the sight of the two ships approaching them, firing torpedoes as they came.
"Damage report!" She snapped.
"Shuttle bay destroyed, port nacelle blown off completely, aft torpedo launcher destroyed and our impulse drive is offline."
"That the best they can do?" Janeway asked with a small laugh. Sitting down again in her captain's chair, she ran a hand along the large green button on the right armrest. These people had made a serious mistake in interrupting her coffee break
* * *
"
Voyager has taken heavy damage, Captain." Data called out. "It's engines are down, as is its aft armament."
"Excellent firing, Mr Worf." Picard complemented the Klingon, nodding. Given Archer's aggressive response to a diplomatic approach, both he and Kirk had agreed that simply coming out shooting would be the easiest way to deal with Janeway. It seemed as though it had worked, when without warning
Voyager seemed to flicker out of existence. When it returned there was no trace of the damage the two ships had dealt it.
"Captain, the
Voyager no longer has any damage to it!" Geordi called out in disbelief.
"What? How?" Picard asked. Even as he watched he could see
Voyager looping around for its counter-attack. "Evasive manoeuvres!" He yelled. The massive ship swung ponderously to port, avoiding the torpedoes. The
Enterprise Nil was not so fortunate, and a trio of torpedoes slammed into its hull, knocking out its warp core and leaving the ship drifting helplessly.
"Captain, the E-Nil has lost power!" Riker yelled, consulting a display. The ship rocked as more torpedoes impacted it. Picard looked at the viewscreen. On it,
Voyager was firing out streams of dozens of torpedoes, far more than it should have had.
"How is it still firing?" Picard yelled. "They can't have that many torpedoes on board!"
"Unknown, Captain." Data replied, raising his voice over the sound of the explosions. "It's as if they have a limitless supply of them."
"Mr Worf, return fire!" Picard yelled.
Phaser fire and torpedoes lashed out at
Voyager. After a moment or two its shields failed, the phaser beams and torpedoes slamming into its hull, ripping out entire sections of the ship. Then, as before, the ship flickered and the damage done seemed to simply disappear.
"Data, scan that ship! Find out what the hell is going on!" Picard yelled. There was a slight pause as Data scanned the ship. After a moment he turned back around.
"Sir, Captain Janeway appears to have found a working model of a very rare piece of technology known as a Reset Button. When utilised, it resets the ship affected to its earlier configuration, effectively giving them an unlimited supply of torpedoes and invincible shields and hull plating."
"How can we hope to defeat such power?" Riker asked in horror.
"Captain," Called out Geordi. "Maybe our technobabble trick will work again?"
"It's worth a try. Lieutenant Worf, bring me my dictionary!"
* * *
"Enemy shields are beginning to fail." Tuvok reported. "Our own shields are still at acceptable levels. The Reset Button is still functional."
"You know," Commented Chakotay. "my people have an old story that's quite appropriate for this. Long ago, there lived a bear up in a cave in the mountains. One day the bear went out to find some fish ."
"Captain," Called out Kim. "I'm detecting unusual signals from the
Enterprise D's bridge."
"What sort of signals, Ensign?"
" .and so the beetle spoke to the eagle, and the eagle taught him the means to make fire .."
"I'm not sure, Captain, but it
may be large quantities of technobabble."
" ..but the antelope was not happy about what the deer said, and so "
"Technobabble?"
"Yes, Captain."
"The fools." Janeway said, smiling coldly. "Do they not realise I have mastered the art of technobabble?"
" ..and so the shark said to the koala, 'why are you so angry at the kangaroo?' And it replied .."
"Captain, those levels of technobabble are building up rapidly." Warned Kim.
"Don't worry, they're no threat to us. Call Torres up to the bridge. Tell her we need a technobabble sollution to something. I'll refine it afterwards."
" but the alligator was angered by the crow's words, and so he ate the crow. And that, I think, is quite an important lesson to remember given the current situation."
* * *
" .and then mix that with the quantum flux capacitor and charge it to a sub-atomic frequency .."
" .and then that will cause the reset button to break!" Geordi yelled triumphantly.
"Perfect!" Cried Picard, tossing the dictionary aside. "Make it so!"
With those words,
Voyager began to shake uncontrollably. Consoles throughout the ship began to detonate violently. A large bluish glow began to build up around the E-D's deflector dish, which then discharged as a ball of destructive energy, powered by the very force of technobabble itself.
* * *
"The
Enterprise has released its technobabble attack!" Tuvok called out in warning. Janeway didn't answer, too engrossed in her counter-technobabble with Torres and Kim.
" .and utilise the portside manifolds to deliver quantum pulse through the subspace array!" She yelled. A bright red bolt of energy shot out of
Voyager's deflector dish, which slammed into the bright blue ball emitted by
Enterprise.
The two flickered for a moment, as if wondering how they were supposed to react to each other. Then, with a titanic blast, the two bolts detonated, showering the system with streams of technobabble. The E-D was hit hardest, as Janeway's mastery of the power of technobabble had indeed been greater. All throughout the ship, random technobabble-induced effects wreaked havoc. Flowerpots changed into rubber chickens, the replicators became unable to produce anything but silly-string, Worf became a pirate and Ten Forward was transformed into a 60's disco with garish pink walls.
On
Voyager there was only one small, but important effect. The Reset Button broke.
"Reset Button is not responding!" Tuvok called out urgently.
"Keep firing!" Janeway yelled. "Fire every torpedo we have!"
As she watched, streams of torpedoes raced towards the E-D, knocking out the stricken ship's shields.
"Enemy shields are down." Kim announced.
"Perfect." Janeway said, smiling cruelly. "Resume firing. Destroy their ship."
"Captain," Tuvok spoke up hesitantly. "we are out of torpedoes."
"Damnit!" She yelled. Her eyes darted around the bridge, before finally resting on Harry. She thought for a moment. "Ensign Kim, I have a new assignment for you .."
* * *
"
Voyager is coming about on another attack run." Data reported calmly. Picard watched the screen grimly, knowing that at any moment the other ship would unleash another barrage of torpedoes. However, instead of a torpedo, a young Asian man in a gold uniform was blasted out of the tubes. Everyone on the bridge watched in surprise as the man hurtled towards the ship, before finally impacting with a loud
clang.
"They be firing officers at us!" Worf yelled, gesturing with a hook.
"Return fire!" Picard yelled. Worf hesitated for a moment, seemingly unsure, and then strode over to Geordi and began dragging him towards the turbolift.
"Not me you idiot!" He yelled. "He means a torpedo!"
"Yarr, I be sorry." Worf replied, before tapping the firing controls. A stream of small cylindrical objects floated off in the vague direction of
Voyager.
"What? Those aren't torpedoes!" Yelled Picard. Data consulted his console for a moment before replying.
"Captain, it appears the technobabble explosion has replaced all of our torpedoes with vodka bottles. Empty ones."
"Damn it." Picard sighed. "Now what?"
"Captain!" Yelled Geordi. "I think I know of a way we can beat
Voyager!"
"What? How?"
"Look at this display of the system. See that right there? It's a black hole! If we could force
Voyager into the black hole they'd be destroyed!"
"That's it!" Picard exclaimed. "But how do we do that?" He thought for a moment, then the answer hit him.
"Data!" He yelled. "Target that small asteroid nearby with a tractor beam. Slam it into the
Voyager on a trajectory that will force the ship into the black hole!"
* * *
"It appears that Ensign Kim was unsuccessful in his attempt to breach the
Enterprise's hull." Tuvok reported.
"Damn." Janeway muttered. She was about to order Tuvok to try firing more officers out, when the ship lurched violently and began spinning wildly out of control. "Report!" She yelled, fighting to stay standing.
"The
Enterprise just hit us with a small asteroid." He answered, clinging onto his console for support.
"Captain!" Yelled Paris. "We've just passed the event horizon of the black hole! We're trapped!"
"The hell we are!" Janeway snapped, reaching for the large red button on the left armrest of her chair.
* * *
"
Voyager has passed beyond the event horizon." Data reported. Picard breathed a sigh of relief.
"Finally, we're done here." He said, sitting back down in his captain's chair. "Set course for-"
"Captain!" Called out Data suddenly. "I'm reading large quantities of anti-logic coming from
Voyager!"
"What?" Yelled Picard in alarm. He watched on the viewscreen as the
Voyager began moving impossibly away from the black hole. A chill went down his spine as he realised what this might mean. Grimly, he ordered "Mr Data, scan
Voyager. Tell me what kind of power core it's using." Data conducted the scan as ordered, and upon seeing the results came as close to feeling fear as he ever had in his life. Quietly, he reported his findings.
"Captain, the
Voyager is running on a logic/anti-logic reactor." The bridge went deathly silent as this discovery.
"That's it then." Riker said fatalistically. "We've no hope of beating them."
"No .we may still have a chance." Answered Picard. "It's a long shot, but we just might be able to pull it off. We can't defeat the ship, but maybe we can defeat the
crew! Every named officer: report to the transporter room immediately!"
* * *
"Captain, we're free of the event horizon!" Paris yelled. Janeway was about to order the attack to resume when suddenly the officers of the E-D beamed onto the bridge, phasers drawn.
"Captain Janeway." Said Picard, pointing his phaser at her. "Surrender now or be destroyed."
"You know," Commented Chakotay. "my father once told me of a story. One day, down in the forests, there lived a fox. One evening the fox left its den to hunt, when a man started shooting at it. The man was wearing an onion on his belt - that was the style at the time - and he used it to repel the various forest creatures from coming near him. But as he hunted the fox through the forest, the mighty lion became enraged by the smell. He began to hunt the man through the forest, and he eventually caught up with the man. The man asked the lion 'why do you hunt me?'. And the lion pointed out that the man was wearing an onion on his belt - that was the style at the time - and told the man the ancient lion tale of how the Great Onion King of Canada hunted the lions to near extinction, making onions the natural enemies of the lions. But the man refused to get rid of the onion, and threatened to plant more and more onions throughout the forest. An eagle watching this quickly flew to tell the other eagles of this plan to seed onions throughout the land, and the eagles quickly began spreading the warning of the impending onion doom to all the forest dwellers. The news caused a massive stampede of giraffes, which crushed both the man and the lion, and also killed off the eagles' food supply, causing their extinction in that region. Later that night, the fox returned to the scene and he ate the onion." Chakotay nodded wisely as he finished.
"
What?" Yelled Riker. "What the fuck does that even
mean?!?"
"Ah, swearing." Chakotay commented. "You know, I recall an old tale my people once told about the nature of swearing. A long time ago, an antelope was climbing a mountain, when it came across a
YAAAAAAARGGHHHHHHH!!!!"
"Thank you Mr Data." Picard said as Data resumed aiming at Paris. "Now, Captain Janeway, are you going to come quietly?"
Instead of answering, Janeway launched herself across the bridge to attack Picard. Picard fired his phaser, but missed. The two of them then engaged in a hand to hand fight that was indescribable in its power and spectacle, but Picard was unable to triumph, and the E-D crew were sent fleeing from the bridge, eventually barricading themselves in a nearby room. Riker couldn't believe it.
"But .but, Captain, you've beaten Klingons in combat before! How could she beat you? It makes no sense!"
"Exactly!" Picard snapped. "It makes no sense. It is not logical. This ship has become so pervaded with illogic that we cannot hope to defeat her ..unless unless we trick her into getting off the ship. If she's separated from the logic/anti-logic reactor, then she will be unable to harness the power of anti-logic!"
"But how will we do that?" Riker asked. Picard thought about it for a moment, and then smiled.
"Mr Riker, Mr LaForge, go down to the cafeteria. Get as much coffee as you can find, and bring it to the starboard airlock. I have a cunning plan .."
* * *
Riker and Geordi walked slowly and cautiously into
Voyager's cafeteria, phasers drawn. It seemed to be deserted but for a strange alien stirring something in a large pot. Neelix looked up and noticed them.
"Ah! New customers! Please, sit." He said, gesturing towards the empty seats in the cafeteria. Riker and Geordi looked at the creature's clothes in horror. It looked as though he had blown up a dozen homeless people and knitted their clothes back together. "What can I get for you?" He asked cheerfully.
"Uh coffee. As much as you have." Riker replied, confused.
"Coffee? I'm afraid you can't have any." Neelix replied happily.
"Why not?"
"Why, because there's a battle on, of course!"
"Well .what does that have to do with coffee?"
"I've instated Coffee Martial Law!" Neelix announced.
"Coffee Martial Law?" Geordi asked, confused.
"Of course! Can you imagine people conducting a battle with a free supply of coffee to anyone who wanted it? It would be madness! Now, if you'd like, I can get you some of this
delicious gumroot stew I've been making .."
Riker and Geordi exchanged looks. As one, they raised their phasers.
* * *
"Captain?" Tuvok called.
"What?" She snapped.
"I've located Picard and his crew."
"Well, where are they?"
"They're at the starboard airlock. They appear to be trying to jettison the ship's supply of coffee." He looked up. Janeway was already gone.
* * *
"Here she comes!" Riker yelled. "Everyone ready?"
As the scream of "
Coooooffffffeeeeeeeeeee!" grew louder and louder the E-D crew grabbed on to anything they could find in preparation for the decompression. When she was just five metres away from the crates of coffee, Data yanked down on the lever that forced the airlock door open. Running headlong towards it, Janeway was sucked out of it instantly. However, as she hurtled out the airlock door she slammed into Picard, knocking him out of the ship with her. The E-D crew watched in silent horror as Picard fell towards the heart of the black hole with Janeway before the airlock doors slammed shut, cutting him off from view.
The crew stood there for a moment, stunned into inaction, before ear-splitting alarms began blaring throughout the ship. Data quickly consulted his tricorder.
"Commander, with Captain Janeway gone there is no longer enough anti-logic to safely maintain the reaction in the L/AL reactor!" Riker slapped his combadge.
"
Enterprise, beam us up! Now!"
* * *
Safely back on the E-D's bridge, Riker and the rest of the officers watched silently as the
Voyager's logic/anti-logic reactor overloaded. With a flash of pure logic, the ship disintegrated.
"We lost a good man today, a great captain." Riker said sadly. The rest of the crew nodded, silent save for the occasional "Yarr" from Worf. "But at least he can rest in peace, knowing that he helped us complete our mission."
"That he can." Replied Q, appearing behind them. "A pity about poor Jean-Luc, but I'm afraid it's still not over. You've destroyed the
symptoms of this lack of quality control, but now it's time to take down the source of it. However, you are no longer needed. I'm sure Jim would love to have the honour of the final blow, and I'm sure you're more than eager to get back. Oh, and don't worry," He added. "I'll fix any damage or changes done to the ship because of this little adventure." And with a snap of his fingers, the E-D returned to its original location in the Alpha Quadrant.
The empty bottles of vodka were once again replaced by the torpedoes.
Worf ceased to be a pirate.
The replicators were fully functional again.
The rubber chickens returned to their original potted plant forms.
Ten Forward ceased to be a disco, and returned to the way it had always been. Though from that day forward, everyone who went in would experience an inexplicable urge to get down and boogie.
"You've all been selected for this mission because you each have a special skill. Professor Hawking, John Leslie, Phil Neville, the Wu-Tang Clan, Usher, the Sugar Puffs Monster and Daniel Day-Lewis! Welcome to Operation MindFuck!"
nowhere near begins to describe my glee upon reading this. 
come's closer...:clappy:is also appropriate.
