Uncyclopedia on Picard

I Am Spartacus · Post by **I Am Spartacus** » Thu Aug 16, 2007 9:45 am

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Jean-Luc_Picard

Some gems...

Captain Jean-Luc Picard (2305.32 - ??) is an officer in Starfleet and Captain of of the Starship Enterprise NCC-1701-D, E, F, E-Squared, D Â± E and F/2.

Picard has cool mind powers and in his spare time is the leader of the X-Men.

Quotes Shakespeare all the time. Hell, even the ability to speak without pausing every two to three seconds puts him above Kirk

Isn't a walking sexual harassment suit. Hiring Picard instead of a skirt-chaser like Kirk is estimated to have saved the Federation 23 billion credits worth of legal fees and hush money paid to the mothers of illegitimate children spread out across hundreds of star systems.

Wore a red shirt and stayed alive through every episode.

# Picard's crew are too sophisticated to be taken over by a bunch of women in gogo boots and have the most intelligent person aboard controlled by a box that has less buttons than a Super Nintendo joypad.

While Kirk did make most of the decisions aboard his ship, this was only because advice from his crew was almost exclusively limited to "That's illogical Captain," "You cannae change the laws of physics," "It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim," "It's life, but not as we know it" and "Klingons on the starboard bow." Small wonder really.

Picard never has to sign an Etcha-Sketch attendance register kept by Yeomans with hair like a helter-skelter.

Remember the time when the Captain of the Enterprise was a slow-moving, monosyllabic automaton with a funny name? But enough about Kirk, wasn't Picard terrific as a Borg?

When Picard was 37, he was the Captain of the lowly Stargazer. Starfleet soon learned the value of "progressive experience" having witnessed the disastrous consequences of letting someone take charge of a real ship when their previous vehicular experience extended only as far as driving a tractor across an Iowa wheat field.

Picard was never demoted to a lieutenant in the L.A. Police Department.

Sionnach Glic · Post by **Sionnach Glic** » Thu Aug 16, 2007 6:15 pm

That was very funny!

Bryan Moore · Post by **Bryan Moore** » Fri Aug 17, 2007 5:48 pm

This settles it: Picard > Kirk > Archer > Janeway (Sisko doesn't really count, as a station captain, as in many ways, he's above all)

Sionnach Glic · Post by **Sionnach Glic** » Fri Aug 17, 2007 7:00 pm

Ah, but where does Pike fit in?

Bryan Moore · Post by **Bryan Moore** » Fri Aug 17, 2007 9:43 pm

Rochey wrote:Ah, but where does Pike fit in?

Comfortably in a hover wheel chair =)

Sionnach Glic · Post by **Sionnach Glic** » Fri Aug 17, 2007 9:57 pm

Granitehewer · Post by **Granitehewer** » Fri Aug 17, 2007 9:59 pm

at least the enterprise, had hover wheelchair access.....

Bryan Moore · Post by **Bryan Moore** » Fri Aug 17, 2007 10:41 pm

No ramps needed. But then again, we don't see a lot of stairs either (save the bridge). Pike was no fun in the Jeffries tubes, however.

Post by **Graham Kennedy** » Sun Sep 02, 2007 11:57 am

When Pike beams in... there's steps up to the transporter platform. How on Earth is he going to get down from there?

Post by **Teaos** » Sun Sep 02, 2007 12:05 pm

I would put Janeway above Archer Moore. She would kick his wimpy ass in a fight.