The Joke Thread

[AlexMcpherson79]

AH yes,

Vampire: "Can I come inside you?"

Woman: "HELL NO!"

Vampire who just wants to be a father: "... damnit."

[Nutso]

Chewie is short for Chewbacca
Ani is short for Anakin Skywalker
What is Luke short for?
A Stormtrooper

Link for reference

[Tinadrin Chelnor]

In a park there were two statues of the human form, one male and one female. After many decades an angel came down from heaven and animated the statues so they could move around. The angel said "you guys have done such a great job depicting the human form, I wanted to reward you with some time to move around. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you like." So the male and female statues look at each other and then go behind a bush, where the angel hears them making strange noises. After 15 minutes they come out and tell the angel they're done, to which the angel replies "Well you guys still have 15 more minutes if you want." So the male statue says to the female statue "Okay, let's do that again, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on him."

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

In a park there were two statues of the human form, one male and one female. After many decades an angel came down from heaven and animated the statues so they could move around. The angel said "you guys have done such a great job depicting the human form, I wanted to reward you with some time to move around. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you like." So the male and female statues look at each other and then go behind a bush, where the angel hears them making strange noises. After 15 minutes they come out and tell the angel they're done, to which the angel replies "Well you guys still have 15 more minutes if you want." So the male statue says to the female statue "Okay, let's do that again, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on him."

Okay, brilliant.

[Coalition]

Is it strange how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentence saying how strange it is?

Turquoise is the best color in the world. This has been cyantifically proven

There is a Youtuber who dresses like a werewolf while commenting on various news articles. His name is Lycan Subscribe

Bought my friend a stuffed elephant for their room. They said, "thanks". I said, "don't mention it"

Ricardo Montalban had difficulty finding work after being in Star Trek 2. That was because nobody wanted to hire an ex-Khan.

Found a piece of pasta on the floor; it was a lucky penne

[T'Pau]

ex-Khan...that made me laugh, hard! Thanks for that!!

[Coalition]

When showing up for yodeling lessons, form an orderly orderly orderly queue

**********************************************************************************************************

Fibonacci Soup ingredients:
1) Yesterday's Soup
2) Day-before-yesterday's soup
Add together

**********************************************************************************************************

Did you know Disney used a lot of pilots to create the film 'My Little Mermaid'? That's because it was mostly Ariel footage

**********************************************************************************************************

A church bellhop (caution, LOUD!)

[T'Pau]

"Ariel footage" ... thanks for that!

[Coalition]

Optimist: The glass is 1/2 full
Pessimist: The glass is 1/2 empty
MS Excel: The glass is January 2nd

[Nutso]

What starts with an E and ends with an E, but only has one letter in it?
Envelope

**********************************************************************************************************

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.
Turns out that idea was taken.
I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

**********************************************************************************************************

My colleagues call me “The Computer”.
Nothing to do with my intelligence. I just go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

**********************************************************************************************************

A dog and a cat were having an argument on who is the favorite of humans.
The dog says, “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”
The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one you know.”

[Coalition]

If the COVID vaccine knocks you out, does that mean they set Pfizers to stun?

[Nutso]

If the COVID vaccine knocks you out, does that mean they set Pfizers to stun?

I met a genie once. He gave me one wish. I said “I wish I could be you.”
The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."


You know why the old man fell down the well?
cause he couldn't see that well.

[Coalition]

Not knowing Greek mythology is my Achilles' horse

********************

Did you know that a candle's flame smells like burned nose hair?

*******************

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas

[IanKennedy]

Not knowing Greek mythology is my Achilles' horse

[Coalition]

The Indian restaurant near me has a secret recipe for their bread. Before you are allowed to work in the kitchen, you have to sign a naan-disclosure agreement