The Joke Thread

[Griffin]

Do I know any jokes about sodium?

Na.

I don't often like jokes about chemistry. Infact you could say, I like them periodically.

[Mikey]

He. He. He.

[alexmann]

Do I know any jokes about sodium?

Na.

"Do You want you hear a potassium joke?" "Sure". "K"

A neutron walks into a bar and when he tries to pay for his drink the bartender says "for you no charge."

The name's Bond. Ionic Bond. Taken, not shared....

If Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar...is it there?

A neutrino walks into a bar...he was just passing through.

A proton and a neutron are walking down the street. The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it." The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."

If "Fe" is Iron, then does that mean that a Female is Iron Man?

I dont want to tell many more chemistry jokes because I might get NO REACTION

[McAvoy]

Heard all of them but the Iron Man one. I kinda like it.

[Graham Kennedy]

What do you get if you replace the carbon atoms in a benzine ring with iron atoms?

A ferrous wheel!



One from the Big Bang Theory : A nerdy physicist goes into a bar and orders two drinks. He puts one in front of the empty seat next to him and sits drinking the other. All night long he does this. Finally the bartender asks why.

"Well," he says, "According to quantum theory it is theoretically possible that molecules in the surroundings could spontaneously convert themselves into the form of a woman sitting on this chair, so I have a drink ready just in case."

The barman frowns. "But there's half a dozen single women sitting around in this bar right now," he says. "Any one of them might let you buy her a drink and talk to you!"

"Yeah," says the nerd, "but seriously, what are the odds of that?"

[colmquinn]

I had a load of science jokes lined up as well, but the best one's Argon

[Lt. Staplic]

What do you call a bear with a dipole moment?

A Polar Bear

Higgs Boson walks into a church,
the priest see's him and says, "You can't be in here!"
Higgs Boson replies, "Why not? Without me you can't have mass"

Why are quantum physicists bad at sex?

Because if they've got the momentum they can't find the position and if they've found the position they can't get the momentum.

[JudgeKing]

1. No known species of reindeer can fly, but there are 300,000 species of living organims yet to be classified. Although most of these are insects and bacteria, this does not rule out flying reindeer.

2. According to the Population Refeence Bureau, 378 million people celebrate Christmas worldwide. With an average of 3.5 children per home, that's 91.8 million homes for Santa to visit.

3. Thanks to different time zones, Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. That means for each celebrating household with at least one good child in it, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, place presents under the tree, eat the cookies and return to the sleigh.

4. Assuming that all 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed throughout the earth, the total trip time will be 75.5 million miles. That means Santa's sleigh must move at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth (the Ulysses space probe) moves at 27.4 miles per second.

5. Assuming that each child get nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (weighing 2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying a payload of 321,300 tons, not counting jolly ol' Saint Nick himself.

6. A standard reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even if flying reindeer might pull 10 times more than a normal reindeer, Santa would need 214,200 reindeer to pull the sleigh. The reindeer, payload, Santa and sleigh would therefore weigh more than 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the Q.E. II cruise ship.

7. This 353,430 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates tremendous air resistance, heating the reindeer in the same manner as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would therefore absorb 14.3 quintillion joule of energy, per second, each.

8. The lead reindeer, as a result will burst into flames, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating massive sonic booms in their wakes. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 0.00426 seconds. Santa will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500 times greater than gravity. Assuming that Santa weighs 250 pounds, he would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,375,000 pounds of centrifugal force.

If Santa ever existed, physics kicked his ass a long time ago.

[Mikey]

Never underestimate the power of caribou.

[Sonic Glitch]

1. No known species of reindeer can fly, but there are 300,000 species of living organims yet to be classified. Although most of these are insects and bacteria, this does not rule out flying reindeer.

2. According to the Population Refeence Bureau, 378 million people celebrate Christmas worldwide. With an average of 3.5 children per home, that's 91.8 million homes for Santa to visit.

3. Thanks to different time zones, Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. That means for each celebrating household with at least one good child in it, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, place presents under the tree, eat the cookies and return to the sleigh.

4. Assuming that all 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed throughout the earth, the total trip time will be 75.5 million miles. That means Santa's sleigh must move at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth (the Ulysses space probe) moves at 27.4 miles per second.

5. Assuming that each child get nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (weighing 2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying a payload of 321,300 tons, not counting jolly ol' Saint Nick himself.

6. A standard reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even if flying reindeer might pull 10 times more than a normal reindeer, Santa would need 214,200 reindeer to pull the sleigh. The reindeer, payload, Santa and sleigh would therefore weigh more than 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the Q.E. II cruise ship.

7. This 353,430 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates tremendous air resistance, heating the reindeer in the same manner as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would therefore absorb 14.3 quintillion joule of energy, per second, each.

8. The lead reindeer, as a result will burst into flames, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating massive sonic booms in their wakes. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 0.00426 seconds. Santa will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500 times greater than gravity. Assuming that Santa weighs 250 pounds, he would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,375,000 pounds of centrifugal force.

If Santa ever existed, physics kicked his ass a long time ago.

You're forgetting a key aspect of the Santa Claus mythos, quantum magic.

[Mikey]

Today is St. Nicholas' Day, and my wife's ancestral subculture has a tradition of leaving small gifts in the kids' shoes to be found in the morning. She seemed less than pleased when I referred to the saint as an "annual revenant with a strange penchant for B&E and young children."

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

1. No known species of reindeer can fly, but there are 300,000 species of living organims yet to be classified. Although most of these are insects and bacteria, this does not rule out flying reindeer.

2. According to the Population Refeence Bureau, 378 million people celebrate Christmas worldwide. With an average of 3.5 children per home, that's 91.8 million homes for Santa to visit.

3. Thanks to different time zones, Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. That means for each celebrating household with at least one good child in it, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, place presents under the tree, eat the cookies and return to the sleigh.

4. Assuming that all 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed throughout the earth, the total trip time will be 75.5 million miles. That means Santa's sleigh must move at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth (the Ulysses space probe) moves at 27.4 miles per second.

5. Assuming that each child get nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (weighing 2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying a payload of 321,300 tons, not counting jolly ol' Saint Nick himself.

6. A standard reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even if flying reindeer might pull 10 times more than a normal reindeer, Santa would need 214,200 reindeer to pull the sleigh. The reindeer, payload, Santa and sleigh would therefore weigh more than 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the Q.E. II cruise ship.

7. This 353,430 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates tremendous air resistance, heating the reindeer in the same manner as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would therefore absorb 14.3 quintillion joule of energy, per second, each.

8. The lead reindeer, as a result will burst into flames, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating massive sonic booms in their wakes. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 0.00426 seconds. Santa will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500 times greater than gravity. Assuming that Santa weighs 250 pounds, he would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,375,000 pounds of centrifugal force.

If Santa ever existed, physics kicked his ass a long time ago.

Nah, Santa kicked physics' ass. He's the guy who delivers coal to Darkseid every year without fail. 8)

[Lighthawk]

Yes...yes he does...

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

And that is why Santa Claus is the badass of badass. 8)

[alexmann]

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a Borg Queen in Unimatrix One!
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me two Borg drones and a Borg Queen in Unimatrix One!
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me three nanoprobes, two Borg drones and a Borg Queen in Unimatrix One!
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me four neural subprocessors, three nanoprobes, two Borg drones and a Borg Queen in Unimatrix One!
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me five vinculums! Four neural subprocessors, three nanoprobes, two Borg drones and a Borg Queen in Unimatrix One!
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me six transwarp hubs, five vinculums! Four neural subprocessors, three nanoprobes, two Borg drones and a Borg Queen in Unimatrix One!
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me Seven of Nine, six transwarp hubs, five vinculums! Four neural subprocessors, three nanoprobes, two Borg drones and a Borg Queen in Unimatrix One!
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me eight four seven two, Seven of Nine, six transwarp hubs, five vinculums! Four neural subprocessors, three nanoprobes, two Borg drones and a Borg Queen in Unimatrix One!
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me nine assimilated planets, eight four seven two, Seven of Nine, six transwarp hubs, five vinculums! Four neural subprocessors, three nanoprobes, two Borg drones and a Borg Queen in Unimatrix One!
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me ten regeneration alcoves, nine assimilated planets, eight four seven two, Seven of Nine, six transwarp hubs, five vinculums! Four neural subprocessors, three nanoprobes, two Borg drones and a Borg Queen in Unimatrix One!
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me eleven maturation chambers, ten regeneration alcoves, nine assimilated planets, eight four seven two, Seven of Nine, six transwarp hubs, five vinculums! Four neural subprocessors, three nanoprobes, two Borg drones and a Borg Queen in Unimatrix One!
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me twelve Borg Cubes, eleven maturation chambers, ten regeneration alcoves, nine assimilated planets, eight four seven two, Seven of Nine, six transwarp hubs, five vinculums! Four neural subprocessors, three nanoprobes, two Borg drones and a Borg Queen in Unimatrix One!