www.ditl.org

I’ll just have to make a quick phone call to my lawyer

Me: “So… what you are basically telling me is that you like the completed logo, like the completed slogan, like the completed branding work and that you intend to use it all for your new business. Correct?”

Client: “Yes. Absolutely.”

Me: “And yesterday you called another designer and showed them my work and they told you that they can do the same work for 20% of what I am charging, correct?”

Client: “Yup. They said that your prices are outrageous.”

Me: “And you are now telling me that you will not be paying me our agreed upon price but will either pay me what the other designer would take to copy my work… or you will pay me nothing but use the work anyhow?”

Client: “Yup. Take it or leave it.”

Me: “And you do understand that I have submitted all of my work to the US Federal Copyright Office, right?”

Client: “Yep!”

Client: “I’m afraid I can’t afford the monthly figure at the moment.”

Me: “Oh no - that’s hourly.”

Client: ”I could get a stripper for that!”

Me: ”If she’s as good with Photoshop as I am, then she is the better deal.”

Client: ”How much do you charge to install Windows on a computer?”

Me: “$85”

Client: ”Is it going to be legal?”

Me: ”Yes.”

Client: “How much do you charge for a pirated copy?”

Me: ”$10,000 or 10 years in prison.”

Me: “Good afternoon, we’ve noticed that you haven’t paid the entire amount due on your bill.”

Client: ”We haven’t received an invoice.”

Me: ”Then how did a check show up with the invoice number on it in the memo field? We appreciate the timely payment, but it’s about 75 dollars short of the payment due.”

Client: ”You know this is a church group right? We don’t have to pay taxes, and you realize you go to hell for lying, right?”

Me: ”Well if you check the invoice, there is no sales tax applied, but you realize you go to hell for theft too, correct?”

We got a call at home at 11 pm from a client whose website had been crippled by malware. He was extremely upset that the website needed to be rebuilt from scratch, and refused to understand why it was necessary. Then he suddenly stopped ranting and said:

“You know what, I don’t have time for this. I have to go fuck this prostitute. I’ll call you later.”

Mikey wrote:Well, I imagine that they don't give credit for unused time.

Mikey wrote:You've been saving that one, haven't you?

Mikey wrote:You've been saving that one, haven't you?

Now, how long until Nevada introduces pre-paid hooker cards?

Client: “Well, you just made a terrible mistake. We never want black or hispanic people in our advertisings. I’m sorry if this may sound a bit racist..but we are.”

Client: “$50?! That’s kind of steep don’t you think?”

Me: “No. It takes me about two hours to draw them.”

Client: “Well, what’s your hourly rate? I need to save money.”

Me: “$25 an hour.”

Client: “Good. I think we can work with that.”

Client: “I’m the client! You can’t MAKE me agree to the schedule!”

Me: “But it’s in the contract you signed.”

Client: “So what!? I’m the client!”

Client: “I googled my name and there is some nasty stuff about me on the Internet. There is this guy saying in his blog that I am an idiot. I want you to remove that blog and block the Internet if they write shit about me.”

Us: “We cannot do that.”

Client: “Well, get someone else to do it then. I want every nasty stuff about me removed from the Internet today, and make sure nobody can write bad things about me. I want you to control the Internet.”

Us: “We can’t control it and neither can you.”

Client: “Right, if you won’t do it I’ll find someone who will.”

Us: “Good luck, let us know if you succeed.”

Client: ”We’ve been discussing it and we’d like you to register aaa-carpets.com. We’ve checked and it’s available.”

Me: ”Okay, no problem - what do the three a’s stand for out of interest?”

Client: ”They don’t stand for anything, we just want to be above our competitors on Google.”

During the first meeting with the client, a Jewish community website for teens.

Client: ”We want something that has sort of an anarchist edge. Something crazy like Mickey Mouse with a swastika or something.”

Me: ”Are you sure your demographic is comfortable with swastikas?”

Client: ”Why wouldn’t they be?”