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A guy walks into a bar. He sees two pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling. Curious, he points at them and asks the barman "what's that about?"

"It's a standing bet we have," says the barman "You get one go to jump up and rip them down. If you win, free drinks every night for a year. If you miss, you buy everybody else in the bar free drinks for a year. Interested?"

And the guy takes a look and the pieces of meat nailed up there on the ceiling, and then he says slowly "No thanks...

...the steaks are too high."

Q: What's the best type of grass for your lawn?
A: Emo grass. It cuts itself.

How do you get holy water?


You boil the hell out of it!
(Yes, I know its bad.)

The worst joke of all time has to be:

Why are pirates called pirates? THEY JUST ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGh!



A woman with no arms or legs meets a man when she's drunk one night and says to him 'For once in my life I'd like to get f***ed. So they drive out to the beach for some fun, but next thing she knows he picks her up out of her wheelchair and throws her into the ocean shoting 'you're definitly f***ed now!'

haha, slightly bad taste I suppose but it makes me laugh.

You mean besides the one I'm living?

Two hunters are on a trip, when one accidentally shoots the other. The shooter pulls out his cell phone, dials 911 and says "I've killed my friend." The operator asks "are you sure he's dead?" The hunter shoots his friend again and says "I am now."

Whats the difference between an Irish ladder and a normal one?

A normal one doesn't have a stop sign at the top.

There's two guys being chased by a bear. One of the guys falls on his knees and prays, "O Lord, may this bear be a Christian bear."

So, the bear eventually catches them. When he does, he prays, "O Lord, thank you for this meal."


I might have told it wrong...

Whats the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a motorbike?

The location of the dirt bag.

I wish to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Thats good.

Borgasm: The ecstasy of being assimilated

P-Porky P-Pig of Borg: You will be assim-assim... absorbed.

endlessly funny:

So Brenda loves baked beans, but they make her fart something terrible. well, she's been going out with a guy--Jerry--for a long time, and when he proposes, she says yes and decides that, when they're married, she'll give up baked beans, and she does.
For years, Brenda and Jerry are happy together, but there's always a void in Brenda's life that can be filled only by that forbidden musical fruit.
On her fortieth birthday, Brenda is out jogging while Jerry prepares dinner for her, and,l about five miles from home, she spots a restaraunt with a special on baked beans. Figuring that it's her birthday anyways, and she can walk it off on the way home, Brenda goes in and eats her way through three orders of baked beans, and sure enough, as she's walking home, they start hitting her, hard.
Well, by the time Brenda arrives at home, she finds that, to her horror, the attack of gas isn't over, but it's too late now.
As Jerry blindfolds her and leads her into the dining room, she valiantly holds it until her loving husband goes to get something out of the kitchen, at which point she can hold it no longer, and she lifts up one cheek and lets out a loud, long, canary-killer, the kind of beast that frightens the Mongul hordes away. Brenda grabs her plate and fans at the air, and then she repeats the process twice more, and she's done. Proud to have gotten that out before Jerry reentered the room, she puts her plate down and tries her best to look innocent, and sure enough, when Jerry removes her blindfold, he suspects nothing.
The many family members he had invited to celebrate his wife's birthday, on the other hand....


very funny:

So Ted just bought a Corvette, and he's driving through San Francisco, when he spots the Golden Gate Bridge. There's no traffic on the bridge.
Ted can't resist the temptation of the completely empty bridge, and he pulls onto the bare lanes and accelerates.
60
70
80
90
100
110
120
And then, just as he clears the bridge and starts decelerating a cop comes in behind him and pulls him over.
The officer leans over the window and says, "do you know how fast you were going?"
Ted looks a little scared when he says, "120 Miles an hour."
The cop nods, but before he can say anything, Ted, ever the quick thinker, says "one of my patients is experiencing severe complications, and I needed to get there as fast as possible."
The cop looks at him. "You're a doctor?"
Ted nods.
"What kind of doctor?"
"I'm a plastic surgeon."
"What kind of surgery was it?"
Ted is flabbergasted for a moment, but then his wits kick in.
"It was a butthole stretching."
It's the cop's turn to be flabbergasted. "'Butthole stetching'," he parrots in astonishment.
"Sure," Ted says. "What I do is I take the butthole and I stretch it out to about six feet across or so."
The cop is suddenly intrigued. "What do you do with a six-foot butthole," he asks.
Ted says the words before he thinks: "you park him at the end of an empty bridge."
Ted enjoys the accomadations of the local jail that night.


pretty funny:

A Priest, a Reverand, and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?"


kinda funny:

What's an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there really is a dog.


Davo original unfunny flavoured:

So a horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "what kind of a joke is this?"
The horse pulls out a duck and replies, "it's a fowl joke."

Two Vultures walke inot the airport carrying two dead Groundhogs each.
When they got to the boarding ramp, the stewardess was forced to stop them. "I'm sorry gentlemen"she said "We only allow one carrion a piece"

A man walks into a bar and says ouch.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...."

Warning: dodgy ethnic joke ahead.

Three men, an Arab, and Iranian, and an Indian are on a ship. The ship sinks, and the three men are clinging to a floating log. A shark attacks, eats the Arab, eats the Iranian, but leaves the Indian alive.

The Indian starts praying: "Oh God, why did you save me?"

The shark swims back and says: "It's not God. I ate one of you last week, and my ass is still burning."