The Joke Thread

[Vic]

Oh h e double toothpicks YA!!

[Mark]

I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!

So your right hand became your best friend for a while?

God bless ambidexterity

[Lt. Staplic]

That was great.

[colmquinn]

BBC News reports criminals have robbed the National Bank of Zimbabwe.

Police are still searching for a motive.

[Tsukiyumi]

[JudgeKing]

"Why did the Vulcan scientists run experiments on a Klingon?
To discover new odors."


"A Klingon walks into a bar and sees a statue of a Golden Tribble. The bartender pours him a bloodwine and says '5 strips of gold pressed latinum for the statue. 1 bar for the story.'
The Klingon buys the statue and places it on his land transport. He drives it away from the bar and all of a sudden tribbles start following him. He keeps going only to notice more and more tribbles following him. Attempting to escape the tribble scrouge he begins to run, now thousands of tribbles are chasing him. He drives his transport over a cliff before jumping out, the transport and statue falling off. The tribbles all jump off following it.
The Klingon goes back to the bar and the bartender says 'hahaha, you want the story now?'
The Klingon says 'NO! But i'll take the Golden Human!"



"A Klingon, a Human, and a Bajoran are standing on the edge of a cliff. All of a sudden a being appears in front of them....the Klingon sees Kahless, the Bajoran has a vision from the Prophets, and the Human sees a white bearded man. This being tells them that if they make a leap of faith off of the cliff and yell what they desire out, they will land in a pile of it.
The Klingon, never one to question Kahless, jumps off and yells "Orion slave girls!".....and he lands in a giant pile of naked Orion slave girls.
The Bajoran, knowing that the prophets would never lie, jumps off and yells "Industrial replicators to help my people rebuild!", and he falls into a giant pile of industrial replicators.
The Human will not tolerate such trickery from a non-corporeal being and turns around to leave but slips and falls, yelling "SHIT!!!"


How do you start a Ferengi parade? Roll a slip of gold pressed latinum down the street!


How many Romulans does it take to scew in a lightbulb? 20! 1 to screw in the lightbulb, 5 to supervise for the Empire, 5 more to manipulate the senate for more funds related to the bulb changing, 5 more to plan an assassination of the one who is screwing in the lightbulb, 1 more to assassinate the assassin, and 3 more to plot a takeover of Vulcan using the lightbulb as cover!

[Lighthawk]

The following joke comes curtiousy of Robin Williams, who I got to see last night live. Kick ass show.

A man and a woman were having hot, wild sex when they became aware that they were being watched by their son, little Timmy. Shocked and upset at what he had witnessed, little Timmy fled the room. The husband said "I'd better go have a talk with him," and got up and went after little Timmy. When he reached little Timmy's room and opened the door, the man was shocked and upset to find little Timmy giving it hard and rough to grandma. "My God!" the man exclaimed.

Little Timmy then looked at his dad and said "Yeah, not so funny when it's happening to your mother, is it?"

[Deepcrush]

[Nickswitz]

Heard it before, and it only gets better over time...

[Sonic Glitch]

How many Romulans does it take to scew in a lightbulb? 20! 1 to screw in the lightbulb, 5 to supervise for the Empire, 5 more to manipulate the senate for more funds related to the bulb changing, 5 more to plan an assassination of the one who is screwing in the lightbulb, 1 more to assassinate the assassin, and 3 more to plot a takeover of Vulcan using the lightbulb as cover!

[Tyyr]

Little Timmy then looked at his dad and said "Yeah, not so funny when it's happening to your mother, is it?"

Awesome.

Here's a tip for any prospective parents, never share a wall between your bedroom and your kids.

"Mommy, lemme see your face."
My wife bends down and my son proceeds to inspect her face. "What's the matter?"
"Daddy hurt you?"
My wife is shocked, "No, what makes your think that?"
"I heard noises at the door."

Yeah, my wife's loud, my doors are hollow and my boy is perceptive. True story.

[Nickswitz]

Here's a tip for any prospective parents, never share a wall between your bedroom and your kids.

"Mommy, lemme see your face."
My wife bends down and my son proceeds to inspect her face. "What's the matter?"
"Daddy hurt you?"
My wife is shocked, "No, what makes your think that?"
"I heard noises at the door."

Yeah, my wife's loud, my doors are hollow and my boy is perceptive. True story.

Haha, advice dully noted, put bedroom on the other side of the house from children.

[Mikey]

AND put her face in the pillow. Just sayin'.

[Sonic Glitch]

More music jokes:

Q: What's the difference between conductors and mutual funds?
A: Eventually mutual funds mature and make money.

Q: How can you tell when your lead singer is at the dorm?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

[JudgeKing]

How many Redshirts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-> Three. One to screw it in and two more to drag off his body.

Four men (a Romulan, a Klingon, and a Vulcan, and a Terran) are on a shuttle. The Romulan throws a half empty bottle of Romulan ale out the airlock. When the Terran and the Klingon react with surprise, he explains that "That ale tasted awful. Back home on Romulus, we have much better ale!" So then the Klingon throws a bat'leth out the airlock saying, "That bat'leth is too dull. Not like the ones we have on Qo'noS."

Then the Vulcan stands up, grabs the Terran, and throws him out the airlock, saying "He was emotional."

>> What do you call 2 Romulans together?
A dissident cell.
>> What do you call 3 Romulans together?
A dissident cell with a traitor in their midst.