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Oh boy.

This one's a bit sexist, but I thought it was funny...
Why do women have one more brain cell than a cow?
So they don't poop on the floor when you play with their boobs.

Men have only 2 states of mind - if you see your boyfriend without an erection, make him a sandwich.

At least the two sexist one's cancel each other out.

Heaven found itself getting backed up, so it was decided that for one day only those people who had a bad day on the day they died would be admitted. So, St. Peter asked the first man to come to the pearly gates that day to tell him about the day that he died.

"Oh" he replied, "it was awful. I'd found out that my wife was cheating on me, so I raced home to confront her and her boyfriend. When I got home I looked around and found the bastard hanging from his fingertips off of my balcony. I live on the 25th floor, you see. So I grabbed a hammer and started hitting his fingers until he fell. But he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, so I went to the kitchen and pushed the refrigerator over the balcony on top of him. The strain of moving the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died." St. Peter look at him and said, "well that is definitely a bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, you will be forgiven. Come in."

Immedietly after the first man entered, a second came to the gates and St. Peter asked him as well to tell him about the day he died.

"St. Peter, sir, it was terrible" he began. I was doing aerobics up on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when somehow I slipped and fell over the railing. Well sir, somehow I managed to grab the balcony just below my apartment by my fingertips, but then some maniac started smashing my fingers with a hammer. I fell 25 floors but miraculously landed in some bushes which broke my fall. Then for some reason the son of a bitch pushed his refrigerator over his balcony, which fell on top of me and crushed me. And here I am."

St. Peter, trying to stifle a chuckle said "That is most certainly one of the worst days I've ever heard of. Please, come inside." And thus the pearly gates opened to admit him. As they swung shut a thrid man approached St. Peter, who again said, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man replies with a sheepish grin, "Ok, picture it. I'm naked, hiding inside my girlfriends fridge........"

Santa is just about ready to take off when he hears a voice shouting," Wait!" He turns and sees a gentleman in a suit running towards him. "Who are you?" Santa asks. "Mr. Claus, I'm from the F.A.A. I need to make sure your sleigh and tack are up to the current standards." Santa just shrugs and lets the official inspect the sleigh. He looks it over very carefully, inspecting the reins for wear, checking the reindeer's shoes, etc. "Well, everything checks out. Wait here just a moment." He goes to his car, and comes back with a shotgun and some shells. Santa looks at him uneasily and asks, "Uh, just what are those for?" "Well," the official says while loading the shotgun," I'm not really supposed to tell you, but we're going to find out in mid-flight how well you can handle an engine failure."

Mark, taht was great!

Thank you thank you. My sister told me that one and I blew soda out of my nose, THEREFORE, I had to post it 8)

What's the difference between a dead trombonist on the road and a dead skunk on the road?

The skunk might have been on the way to a gig!

Uhh....I don't get it

Heh, I'm not surprised. Bone players have trouble getting paying gigs.

Better find yourself a ska band or a swing orchestra. You play slide or valve?

Well, both, but if you can handle a slide, why settle for valves? I'm in a dixieland group that might get gigs, if we ever get our act together.

Why did the Hindu cross the road?
The chicken was his brother in a former life!