I bought a new thesaurus, but it's nothing to write house about.
Guy is walking around the red light district in Amsterdam and walks over to one of the windows.
He looks around, taps the glass and asks the girl: "How much?"
"50 euro's," says she.
He nods appreciatively and says: "That's not much for double glazing!"
Guy hires a Irish guy to paint his house.
He tells her, "The porch in back gets a lot of sun, so make sure it gets two coats of paint." Then he goes inside to take a nap.
The girl wakes him up, and says, "I'm done."
"Did you put two coats on the porch?" He asks.
The girl says, "I didn't see a Porsche, so I painted the Ferrari!"
I ordered a hands-free kit from Saudi Arabia. They sent an axe.
Angela Merkel is arrving in Poland for the EU First Ministers Conference. Going through customs, the immigration guy notices she hasn't completely filled in her form. Pointing to the blank space with his pen, he says, "Occupation?"
Angie replies, "Not this time. Just here for the two-day conference."
A duck walks into a bar;
Duck : "Got any bread?"
Barman : "No we don't serve bread."
Duck : "Got any bread?"
Barman : "NO!"
Duck : "Got any bread?"
Barman : "NO!!"
Duck : "Got any bread?"
Barman : "No! Now get lost before I nail you to the bar!"
(pause)
Duck : "Got any nails?"
Barman : "NO!!!"
Duck : "Got any bread?"
Last night I inadvertently swallowed some Scrabble tiles. I suppose my next visit to the loo could spell disaster!
Duck goes in to a shop. "Do you have any chapsticks?"
"Sure," says the guy. "How do you plan to pay for it?"
"Just put it on my bill!"
Deleted scene from Alien:
"I can't open the milk!"
"In space, no-one can. Here, use cream."
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexia Association.
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the other… um, never mind.
I reached for a liquid Viagra bottle the other day and accidentally took a swig from a bottle of Tipex. I woke up with a huge correction.
While watching Nigella Lawson's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never look as good as that."
"Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical."
"Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?"
"Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato."
Two old guys are playing golf. Beside the golf course is a cemetery. Just as they reach the green a funeral service starts across the wall. One of the two guys stands up from his putt, removes his hat and bows respectfully towards the coffin. The other guy says, 'wow, that was so respectful of you' and the first guy says 'well, it's the least I could do. We were married for 35 years, after all.'
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the matre d', after scrutinizing the group. "You can't come in here without a Thai."
