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The police knocked on my door last night and told me my dog had chased someone on a scooter. I told them to p**s off, my dog doesnt even have a scooter.

Q: How can you tell if your a pirate?

A: You just arrrrrrrr

How we can learn to talk dirty during sex by watching football.....

Just look at some of these expressions;

-- The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
-- He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
-- It's a game of inches.
-- That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
-- When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
-- He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
-- He found his tight end.
-- He had to stretch to get it in.
-- He gets penetration in the backfield.
-- He could go all the way.
-- He gets it off just in time.
-- He goes deep.
-- He found a hole and slid through.
-- He pounds it in.
-- He's got great hands.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing… You’re just like Frank!”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right, all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star – you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow indeed. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his fuckin’ wife.”

A couple are sitting in the living room one evening, and the wife starts to watch a cooking show on the television.

The husband asks, “What you watching that for? You can’t cook!”

Wife replies, “You watch porn don’t you?”

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

“Ah…” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.”

“That’s what you think!” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of THREE children.”

The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 21. When they got into bed the night after their wedding, he held up three fingers. “Oh honey!” said the young nymph, “Does that mean we’re going to do it three times?” “No…” said the old man, “It means you can take your pick.”

A man phones work and says “Sorry, can’t come in today, I’m sick.”

The boss says “How sick are you?”

“Well…” the man replies “You be the judge – I’m in bed with my sister.”

Mark wrote:A man phones work and says “Sorry, can’t come in today, I’m sick.”

The boss says “How sick are you?”

“Well…” the man replies “You be the judge – I’m in bed with my sister.”

Kentucky or West Virginia

"...so you're fine. Don't be late!"

Mark wrote:A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

“Ah…” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.”

“That’s what you think!” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of THREE children.”

The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”

WIN!

How do you make a hormone?

As the great Dorothy Parker once said when asked about the hobby of horticulture -

"You can lead a horticulture... but you can't make her think."

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder?