The Joke Thread

[Mark]

Our new TSA screening technique. (only 18+ please)

http://home.gethome.no/siamak.javid/etc ... curity.swf

[Angharrad]

Strategic Responses to "Do I Look Fat?"

"No, not to Stevie Wonder."

"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."

"Does this tie make me look stupid?"

"No hablo ingles."

"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things kinda balance out."

"If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."

"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."

"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."

"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."

"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."

"Whoa! A talking couch!!"

"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"

[Sonic Glitch]

Strategic Responses to "Do I Look Fat?"

"No, not to Stevie Wonder."

"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."

"Does this tie make me look stupid?"

"No hablo ingles."

"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things kinda balance out."

"If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."

"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."

"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."

"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."

"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."

"Whoa! A talking couch!!"

"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"

I should write these down...

[Tsukiyumi]

Writing them down might also help.

[Sonic Glitch]

Writing them down might also help.

I don't know what you're talking about.

[Mikey]

A priest, an evangelical minister, and a rabbi were sitting together over coffee. Finally, the topic came up that preaching to people was easy - what would be a real test of faith would be converting a bear. The deal was made, and the three friends set out.

Two days later the friends all met - in the hospital. The priest was bandaged and scraped, and said, "I found a bear. I began to instruct him in the catechism, and he became furious and slapped me around a bit. Then I sprinkled him with holy water and he became gentle as a lamb. He will receive his first holy communion next week."

The minister was in a wheelchair with an arm in a sling. "I found a bear, too," he said. "I begin to speak the Good news to him, and he attacked. We wrestled up one hill and down another, until finally we came to a river. I held him down and baptized him, and he became gentle as a lamb. He's coming to sing in my tabernacle next week."

The two then looked at the rabbi, who was in a full body cast with all manner of IV's and monitors attached and who was breathing painfully and shallowly. "What happened to you, rabbi?" asked the priest.

The rabbi took a slow, painful breath and said, "Perhaps I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

[Tsukiyumi]

[Lighthawk]

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint

[Mikey]

[colmquinn]

That is my fav emoticon

[Lighthawk]

Especially when you rightly earn it.


Not a joke, but amusing. Said the atheist to the catholic:"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."

[Sonic Glitch]

Humorous story somewhat related to that:

Many years ago a noted atheist was making a speech to a crowd in Ireland. When he finished making his points, a woman in the audience stood up and asked "Yes, but is it the Catholic or the Protestant God you don't believe?"

[mwhittington]

Ahh, blond jokes. Ya gotta love 'em!

A blond and her husband are lying in bed, listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blond jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. The blond finally comes back up to bed 10 minutes later and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" The blond says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail Pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you Throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of Them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't Defective! They're for the other side of the house!'


Did you hear about the two blonds who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'


A blond hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blond replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, silly' the blond said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise.', so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.


A blond was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blond, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blond went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blond roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blond told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'


A blond was shopping and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took It to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blond, 'that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blond replied......'Two popsicles and some coffee.'


A blond goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' The blond replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.' The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.' 'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blond. He looks out from his office and sees the blond crying hysterically. 'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks. 'No!' exclaims the blond. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

[Lt. Staplic]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the store now and I found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're
asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Then make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Deepcrush]