The Joke Thread

[Tsukiyumi]

[Deepcrush]

MEN RULES... epic win!

[colmquinn]

Whats the definition of a balanced diet in Ireland?

A pint of Guiunness in each hand.

[Tsukiyumi]

[Angharrad]

I received this e-mail today:

I found this wonderful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It was to me, and it's very well written.
ENJOY!




" WINTER "

a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

Then there is a drawing of a cabin in the woods then the poem.

SHIT!

It's Cold !

[colmquinn]

This one is more for our UK & Irl members really cause the joke relies on knowing the show but thought it'd get a giggle/ groan from you.......


Apparently the Chuckle Brothers have only just finished opening their Christmas presents.

The labelling was once again a nightmare.

[Reliant121]

[Lighthawk]

Man, I did not understand ANY of that.

[colmquinn]

Man, I did not understand ANY of that.

They're a predominately children's show that have been running for over 20 years on the bbc who use their stupidity and slapstick to get laughs. One of their recurring jokes is they are employed for a job that involves things being moved around and their struggles on how to sort out the problem using their oft used phrase of "to you, to me" back and forth between them. Not as funny as when you see em I'll admit but kinda think of them as Laurel & Hardy esqe pair. I'm sure youtube has some of em to view.

[Reliant121]

I found I quickly grew out of finding it funny, but it's one of those institutions in our little modern heritage. Like Coronation Street (which i cannot stand) or Terry Wogan's radio show (sorely missed).

[Griffin]

Some one-liners

: I often say to myself, "I can't believe that cloning machine worked!"

: I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

: Why does everyone think my Dads are gay?

: Today I went blind in one eye, I gotta say I've seen better days.

: I once had a job making clowns shoes. It was no small feat...

[colmquinn]

I've been watching the cricket for hours now,


but I've finally worked it out, it does it with it's back legs.

[Mikey]

I've been watching the cricket for hours now,


but I've finally worked it out, it does it with it's back legs.

At least that's more interesting than the eponymous game.

[Lighthawk]

From my mother-in-law, who isn't this bad, mostly...



Should I really join Facebook?
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group
Also for those who know people like us.

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red!] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying,rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

[Lighthawk]

A doctor and his residents are making the rounds when they discover a man masturbating in one of the examination rooms. One of the residents asks why he is doing this, and the doctor explains: "This man has a rare condition where he must have an orgasm every hour or he will suffer a fatal hemorrhage." Several rooms later, they come across a man receiving a blowjob from a gorgeous blonde nurse. Again the residents ask what's happening and the doctor responds: "Same problem, better insurance."