The Joke Thread

[Sonic Glitch]

The surprise

Geddit? (Yeah. It's pretty bad)

[Lighthawk]

A man dies and goes to hell, where he is shown two rooms and told to pick which he wishes to spend eternity in. The first has a man lashed to a table with all manner of tools of torture being applied to him. The other has a man strapped to a bed while a beautiful woman has unending sex with him. The man chooses the second room of course, but as he is ushered inside, the woman gets up and leaves, saying to him as she does, "Thanks for taking over for me."

[Foxfyre]

A man dies and goes to hell, where he is shown two rooms and told to pick which he wishes to spend eternity in. The first has a man lashed to a table with all manner of tools of torture being applied to him. The other has a man strapped to a bed while a beautiful woman has unending sex with him. The man chooses the second room of course, but as he is ushered inside, the woman gets up and leaves, saying to him as she does, "Thanks for taking over for me."

Is he on the top or the bottom?

[Graham Kennedy]

A man has three choices for whom he will take as his wife. To decide, he gives each a thousand pounds and tells her to do what she will with it.

The first spent all the money on presents for him. "Look how much I love you," she said.

The second invested the money. "Look, I've turned one thousand into two thousand," she said. "It shows I will always be a good financial partner in life."

The third spent the money on nice clothes. "So that I will always look beautiful on your arm," she said.

So he thought long and hard on this... and then he married the one with the big tits.

[Lighthawk]

That's bad.


A pirate walks into a bar with a ship wheel stuck down the front of his pants. When the bar tender inquires about it, the pirate tells him "Arrr, it be driving me nuts"

[Captain Seafort]

That's even worse.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The owner says "what is this, a joke?"

[Nickswitz]

That's even worse.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The owner says "what is this, a joke?"

Wouldn't a bar-fight break out instantaneously?

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

But who would win, Picard, O'Brien or Scotty?

[Lighthawk]

None, The Sisko will swoop down upon them all before they know what happened.

[Mark]

But who would win, Picard, O'Brien or Scotty?

None of the above. The Ferengi in the gorilla suit.

[Nickswitz]

They don't wear gorilla suits, they just hop around and scream like monkeys.

[Lighthawk]

Have a merry, orky christmas

Ruddoff da red-nosed squiggy
Had a very shiney grofe
And if you eve sawed it
You 'ud even say it glowz

All o' da udder squiggies
Used to jump and bounce around
They always bit da gobbos
But also kicked rudoff in da face

Den one foggy battle night
Santorc came to say
"Ruddoff wid your ting so bright
Won't you kill some elves tonight?"

Den all da sguiggys got killed
As they were attacked by elves
But Rudoff da red nosed sguiggy
Was protected by 'iz shiny nose!

[Lighthawk]

Found another, merry ork-mas

We three Orks have come from afar,
From the world of Nozgrol-tar.
Beatin, smashin, clobberin, bashing!
Fol-low-ing our WARRRGHHH!

Oh, WARGH of wonder, - WARGH a fight!,
Wargh- we kill the ooomies, right?
Smashin, crashin, bopping, bashing,
WARGH iz a great sight!

With our boyz, we kill and maim,
A good scrap, is for what we came,
The Warboss leads us, reputation proceeds us,
Our choppas give oomies pain!

Oh, WARGH of wonder, - WARGH a fight!,
Wargh- we kill the ooomies, right?
Smashin, crashin, bopping, bashing,
WARGH iz a great sight!

A big axe, to use, have I,
And from my shoota, bullets fly,
Scared and running, our engines gunning,
Ooomies have gotta die!

Oh, WARGH of wonder, - WARGH a fight!,
Wargh- we kill the ooomies, right?
Smashin, crashin, bopping, bashing,
WARGH iz a great sight!

[Reliant121]

Those are epic.

[Mark]

I'm lost.