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Lighthawk wrote:

GrahamKennedy wrote:During the second world war my grandfather couldn't stop scribbling on notepads. He was hit by a doodlebug.

When I was in Vietnam I had my fortune told. The guy was on fire - he was a napalm reader.

For my girlfriend's birthday I bought her a full size weather balloon. Unfortunately that didn't go down well.

Last year I bought her a set of cutlery with no knives or spoons in it. People kept telling me that it's the fork that counts.

A friend said to me "As a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?"
I said "Actually I don't think my mother ever was a young boy..."

Mind you, when *I* was a boy she did used to beat me with the telephone. I was forever on the receiving end.

My friend has a butler whose left arm is missing. Serves him right.

I'm billing you for the brain scrubbing I'm going to need now.

I am billing him for the following

19 lost neurons (8 in my left hemisphere, 11 in my right)
damage to my eyes for reading that

Signs that you are too drunk would be...

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

My sister opened a computer store on a beach in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.

I used to work at a company making blankets. I lost my job when the company folded.

I tried switching to a company that stuffed feather pillows, but it was depressing. I just felt down all the time.

I had a very nervous guitar playing friend. He was always fretting about something.

If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?

I had a nightmare that I was in Panama during a snowstorm. I was dreaming of a white isthmus.

I knew someone once who was obsessed with monorails. It was a classic case of a one track mind.

The cops caught a burglar last night as he broke into my bathroom. They said it was when he stood on the scales that he gave himself a weigh.

I was in the park and I saw this football. I was curious as to why it seemed to be getting bigger and bigger and bigger... then it hit me!

My friend Max hates going up steep hills. He's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

The Russians are building a plane which is the same colour as the sky, so it blends in and is hard to see. It's called the Optical Illyushin.

*waves white flag*

Anyway, this may have a limited audience, but at least Nutso will appreciate it...

A young boy is in family court to determine his custody. The judge asks, "Do you want to live with your mother?"

The boy says, "No sir! She beats me!"

The judge asks, "Do you want to live with your father?"

"No! He beats me, too."

"Well, son - with whom do you want to live?"

The boy thinks for a moment, and then answers, "The Dallas Cowboys - they don't beat anybody!"

Can we please have a a good joke now?

Foxfyre wrote:Can we please have a a good joke now?

Sure. Link

It's a trap!

Sonic Glitch wrote:

Foxfyre wrote:Can we please have a a good joke now?

Sure. Link

He said "joke," not "witch."

Mikey wrote:

Sonic Glitch wrote:

Foxfyre wrote:Can we please have a a good joke now?

Sure. Link

He said "joke," not "witch."

To bad you you that I can't use Yotube on a ship!

There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
- Geri Taran

Here's one that may offend some of the more religiously minded here that I learned from a fraternity brother of mine this weekend,

What did Jesus say when they took the nails from his hands?

Sorry to laugh at that, but it's just plain funny.

Mikey wrote:Sorry to laugh at that, but it's just plain funny.

Yeah my reaction to. I feel bad afterwards, but it's still funny