The Joke Thread

[Mikey]

OK, here's one slightly less esoteric:

An overweight blonde goes to her doctor, who tells her she needs to go on a diet. "Here's what I want you to do," says the doc, "eat normally for two days, then skip a day. Keep repeating that pattern, and see me in two weeks. You should have lost about 5 pounds by then."

Two weeks later, the blonde comes back 25 pounds smaller. "Wow," says the doc, "that really worked! How do you feel?"

"Well," says the blonde, "I'm exhausted. I thought that every third day was going to kill me."

"Because you were hungry?" asks the doctor.

"No, all that skipping was wearing me out!"

[Tsukiyumi]

Ah, blonde jokes. They're almost always good.

[colmquinn]

There's going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of EMPIRE STRIKES BACK coming up next year! Basically, it expands on the scene where Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose ends created with the release of Episode 1 & 2...

The Empire Strikes Back: Extra-Special Edition

INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER:

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No... I am your father!

Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...

Luke: No...

Darth Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it's not my fault...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!"

Luke: Shut up...

Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon.

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here, baby!

{Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.}

Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...

{Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.}

{Darth Vader looks after him.}

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!

[Vic]

[Tsukiyumi]

[Mikey]

[Mark]

SPIT WATER ALERT

Yeah, I can see why that would have been edited out.

[Sionnach Glic]

[Lighthawk]

Thagomizer

Gary Larson, making science funny on and off the comic page.

[colmquinn]

American scientists have finally developed a car that runs on water!

Sadly, so far it only works with the water from the Gulf of Mexico.

[Mikey]

Wow, you don't wait until the body's cold, do you, Colm? Hope you're not too fond of shrimp, 'cause the joke will be on you when you try to buy some.

[colmquinn]

Thats not the worst of the ones I've seen around trust me but if you are offended by it I apologize - (oh and I'm not a fan of shrimp )

[Tsukiyumi]

Hey, I live down here, and I thought it was funny.

[Mikey]

I'm not offended either - I just saw an opportunity to poke fun at a member of my favorite target group^* and I took it.

^* My favorite set of targets being, of course, anyone at all.

[Reliant121]

Every retirement home has its crackpot asshole