The Joke Thread

[colmquinn]

A woman walks into a bar and orders a 'Double Entendre'

so the barman gave her one.

[Mikey]

[Foxfyre]

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the
aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger
doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the
people of the community could become accustomed to him.

At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened
intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the
weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had
been feeling.

"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.

"Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over
doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on
the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older
doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.

"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.

"I didn't have to," the elder physician explain. "You noticed I
dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent
over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen
banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been
making her ill."

"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you
mind if I try it at the next house?"

"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician
replied.

At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly
widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and
grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several
minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been
feeling lately.

"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just
don't have as much energy as I used to."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the
younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient.
"Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is
probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that
conclusion?"

"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my
stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I
looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"

VN:F [1.8.8_1072]

[Mark]

[Deepcrush]

[Vic]

[Lighthawk]

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING..
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP.
Tattoo on a females lower back.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

[Tsukiyumi]

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

I'm actually an expert at that.

[Captain Seafort]

* PRAIRIE DOGGING..
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

That wouldn't have anything to do with car insurance would it?

[Foxfyre]

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

I know a few of these in navy

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

Sums up my current job......

[Sionnach Glic]

Not a joke, but an amusing true story.

About a year ago in Ireland, police pulled over a Polish man who was speeding. Looking at his driving licence, they noted down that his name was Prawo Jazdy. They gave him a fine and sent him on his way. Within a month, Prawo Jazdy had aquired over 50 offences to his name. But in every instance where he was pulled over, he'd hand the police a licence with a different adress and picture on it. Needless to say, the guards were quite concerned that there was a Polish man running around the country with dozens of different driving licences, and the higher ups sent down word that he was to be brought in for questioning.

So officers went out to all of the addresses that had been on his different lincences, searching each house in turn. They went from house to house, and in each case they found Polish people living there, but no one with the name of Prawo Jazdy. After several days of looking for this guy, a Polish man who was working for the Gardaí was assigned to look for the man, as he was wanted as an interpreter. So as the Polish officer was being taken to one of the houses they were to search, one of the Irish guards who had been on the search from the very beginning started telling him about what they were doing.

After listening to the tale of the man with dozens of driving licences for some time, the Pole asked "So you're sure it's a guy named Prawo Jazdy we're looking for?". The Irish officer confirmed that was the man's name, and, noticing an odd expression on the Pole's face, asked whether he knew anything about the man. The Pole replied that he didn't know a man called Prawo Jazdy, and that it was unlikely that there was anyone in the country called that. Confused, the Irish officer asked what made him think that. The Polish officer replied, "Because 'Prawo Jazdy' is just Polish for 'Driving Licence'".

[Lt. Staplic]

Wow, bet they felt smart after that one.

[Mikey]

Did they do away with the Jameson's cooler at the precinct house?

Speaking of Poland...

Many years ago, Baron Rothschild is on a tour of Eastern Europe. Somewhere between Warsaw and Lviv, he stops for the night at a small, isolated shtetl. Finding the inn, he tells the publican that he wants rooms for the night for him and his entourage, stabling for his horses, and breakfast - nothing out of the ordinary save that he always has two eggs in the morning.

The innkeeper says, "Rooms? No problem. Let's see, that's... ummm... four, at 5 kopecks each. Stabling, 4 kopecks for the team. Breakfast with two eggs, 200 kopecks."

"200 kopecks?!" asks Rothschild. "Are eggs so rare in these parts?"

"No, your grace," answers the innkeeper, "but Rothschilds are."

[Foxfyre]

Did they do away with the Jameson's cooler at the precinct house?

Speaking of Poland...

Many years ago, Baron Rothschild is on a tour of Eastern Europe. Somewhere between Warsaw and Lviv, he stops for the night at a small, isolated shtetl. Finding the inn, he tells the publican that he wants rooms for the night for him and his entourage, stabling for his horses, and breakfast - nothing out of the ordinary save that he always has two eggs in the morning.

The innkeeper says, "Rooms? No problem. Let's see, that's... ummm... four, at 5 kopecks each. Stabling, 4 kopecks for the team. Breakfast with two eggs, 200 kopecks."

"200 kopecks?!" asks Rothschild. "Are eggs so rare in these parts?"

"No, your grace," answers the innkeeper, "but Rothschilds are."

Whats a rothschilds?

[Mikey]

The Rothschilds were a family of German Jews who made their fortune in international banking and finance, went on to have members elevated to the nobility in Austria and England, and who in the 19th century had by far the largest fortune in the world. I'm not positive, but I believe that "Mouton Rothschild" is related to the French branch of the family.