Re: The Joke Thread
Posted: Tue Nov 17, 2009 10:23 pm
Page 68 of 143
Re: The Joke Thread
Posted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 1:49 pm
Re: The Joke Thread
Posted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 10:13 am
This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman in a brand new BMW doing 75 Mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror... putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds... and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that make-up!
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my Mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Bloody women drivers!!
I looked away for a couple seconds... and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that make-up!
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my Mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Bloody women drivers!!
Re: The Joke Thread
Posted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:22 am
Re: The Joke Thread
Posted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 3:00 pm
Don't know where I heard this one but if i read it here then sorry,
Knock Knock,
Who's there?
Wrong answer Anne Franke!
Knock Knock,
Who's there?
Wrong answer Anne Franke!
Re: The Joke Thread
Posted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 7:47 pm
I'll second this!Captain Seafort wrote:
Re: The Joke Thread
Posted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 8:59 pm
I thought this thread was for jokes.IanKennedy wrote:This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman in a brand new BMW doing 75 Mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror... putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds... and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that make-up!
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my Mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Bloody women drivers!!
Re: The Joke Thread
Posted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 9:25 pm
Re: The Joke Thread
Posted: Sun Nov 22, 2009 12:42 am
Ian:
Mikey:
Oh, were you serious?
Mikey:
Oh, were you serious?
Re: The Joke Thread
Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 3:46 pm
No. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't have room, free limbs, or time to bother with a steering wheel while I'm driving.stitch626 wrote:Oh, were you serious?
Re: The Joke Thread
Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 8:57 pm
colmquinn wrote:Don't know where I heard this one but if i read it here then sorry,
Knock Knock,
Who's there?
Wrong answer Anne Franke!
David Mitchell got into trouble recently for the following :-Anne Franks last diary entry: "Today is my birthday, dad bought me a drum kit'."
Re: The Joke Thread
Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 2:34 pm
WWII Jewish jokes put me in mind of this. You miay have to know some older-generation Jews to get it, but here goes:
A pair of Jews in Germany in 1943 get the idea to assassinate Hitler. They spend weeks surveilling him, determining the number and disposition of his bodyguards, his preferred vehicles, etc., etc. Finally they determine that his motorcade is lighlty protected, and passes the same corner every weekday at 2:00 pm, like clockwork. Three full weeks of more surveillance confirm this - every weekday, same corner, 2:00 pm.
So, the two men find blinds to set up their positions, infiltrate, and wait. They're excited - they're going to kill Hitler, after all - but they maintain their professionalism. Finally, 2:00 comes and goes. Then 2:10, and 2:15, and 2:30. The two Jews begin to get restless, checking their high-powered rifles, dum-dum ammo, etc. At last, 3:00 comes around with no sign of der fuhrer. One of the Jews radios the other and says, "An hour late, and still nothing! Could you believe it?"
The other radios back and says, "I know! I hope nothing happened to him."
A pair of Jews in Germany in 1943 get the idea to assassinate Hitler. They spend weeks surveilling him, determining the number and disposition of his bodyguards, his preferred vehicles, etc., etc. Finally they determine that his motorcade is lighlty protected, and passes the same corner every weekday at 2:00 pm, like clockwork. Three full weeks of more surveillance confirm this - every weekday, same corner, 2:00 pm.
So, the two men find blinds to set up their positions, infiltrate, and wait. They're excited - they're going to kill Hitler, after all - but they maintain their professionalism. Finally, 2:00 comes and goes. Then 2:10, and 2:15, and 2:30. The two Jews begin to get restless, checking their high-powered rifles, dum-dum ammo, etc. At last, 3:00 comes around with no sign of der fuhrer. One of the Jews radios the other and says, "An hour late, and still nothing! Could you believe it?"
The other radios back and says, "I know! I hope nothing happened to him."
Re: The Joke Thread
Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 5:28 pm
Re: The Joke Thread
Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 10:08 pm
I love it
Re: The Joke Thread
Posted: Thu Dec 03, 2009 4:42 pm
Subject: Computer Skills
Computer Skills
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one....
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine .. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet...it's still on my desk... sorry...
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left
of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day.. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me!
I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the
printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says
he can't find it.
==============
Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.......................thank you.
=============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: ! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen
saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the little circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with
her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,
and his printer is working fine.'
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys
at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of thescreen. Now
type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Computer Skills
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one....
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine .. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet...it's still on my desk... sorry...
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left
of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day.. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me!
I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the
printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says
he can't find it.
==============
Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah.......................thank you.
=============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: ! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen
saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the little circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with
her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window,
and his printer is working fine.'
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys
at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of thescreen. Now
type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!