The Joke Thread

[Teaos]

There is a military parade going down the street of a small town.

All the regiments are marching by in perfect step with their Sergeants at the front.

Up on the stage thr Mayor, the city council and the top military brass are all standing at attention.

The Mayor then leans over to the top General.

"General what wrong with Sergeant Johnson's Battalion? They are all flailing and twitching around on the ground!"

"Well your honor it seems as if Sergeant Johnson has a weasel chomping on his privates"

[Mikey]

Umm... OK...

[MetalHead]

Whats the difference between a penis and a paycheck? A woman will always blow your paycheck.

A man and a woman are driving opposite ways down a road. As they round a corner they catch sight of one another. The man shouts "COW!" the woman retorts "PRICK!". As she drives around the bend, she smashes into a huge cow in the road and dies. If only women would listen....


A man takes his friends out for a drink to celebrate his new flat. As they get back to the place, he shows them around, including his pride of place - a gigantic brass gong. "Whats this gong for?" they ask. The host replies: "Its my talking clock." His guests are puzzled, so to clarify, he strikes the gong with an unpadded hammer at full force, producing an ear shattering crash. Moments later, through the wall: "FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN, ITS TWENTY TO THREE IN THE MORNING!"

[mwhittington]

An old Army vet goes down the line of a supermarket checkout and starts putting his groceries on the counter. The clerk, a pretty, young brunette, starts pricing his groceries, and when finished, said, "that comes to $34.95." Then she leans in close, points to his crotch and whispers, "Sir, your barracks door is wide open." "Oh, thank you," the vet says and zips his fly. "By the way," he says as he leans in close, "did you happen to see a young soldier in there standing at attention?" "No," she says, "but I did see an old wounded veteran sitting on a couple of duffle bags."

[Tiberius]

If this is blue, you're going too fast.

[Tsukiyumi]

Whats the difference between a penis and a paycheck? A woman will always blow your paycheck.

I'm going fire that one at Uzume the next time I see her.

[Mikey]

If this is blue, you're going too fast.

That's great!

[stitch626]

What gets wet as it dries?



A towel.

[Blackstar the Chakat]

What gets wet as it dries?



A towel.

I would've said my girlfriend, but I figured you wouldn't know her

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit -- and make no apologies. "The rabbit had it coming."

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

[stitch626]

That's a good one.

[mwhittington]

A demonstration is held by the 3 world's greatest swordsman. The third greatest steps out onto the stage, and a fly is released. In one quick motion, the fly is cut neatly in half, and the crowd applaudes.
The second greatest steps out, and again, a fly is let loose. In two swift strokes, the fly is neatly quartered, and the crowd cheers.
The greatest in the world steps out, and a fly is set free. In a blur of motion, he swings his sword at the fly, but the fly just buzzes on as if nothing happened.
The crowd is bewildered, and sensing their confusion, the swordsman speaks. "Yes, I know the fly is still alive," he replies, "but he'll never be able to have children again".

[mwhittington]

An American Indian walks into a diner carrying a shotgun over his shoulder and a bucket of buffalo manure. He orders a cup of coffee, and when he finishes drinking it, promptly throws the bucket of manure into the air and shoots it with his shotgun, sending feces everywhere, and walks out. The next day, he comes back carrying the same shotgun and a fresh bucket of manure. When he orders a cup of coffee, the waitress replies, "not on your life! We're still cleaning the walls from yesterday!" "Me applying for manager position," proclaims the Indian. "Me drink coffee, shoot sh*t, and leave mess for everyone else to clean up."

[Graham Kennedy]

A Colonel meets up with a prostitute on a street corner and says "How much for the pleasure of my company for the night?"

She looks him over and says "All night? Two hundred dollars."

"Deal," he says, paying her, then bellows "COMPANY! FORWARD... MARCH!!!"

[Tsukiyumi]

A Colonel meets up with a prostitute on a street corner and says "How much for the pleasure of my company for the night?"

She looks him over and says "All night? Two hundred dollars."

"Deal," he says, paying her, then bellows "COMPANY! FORWARD... MARCH!!!"

[Mikey]

That was great, GK.