The Joke Thread

[AlexMcpherson79]

don't be, those are hilarious!

[Graham Kennedy]

QUARANTINE DIARY

Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see out this pandemic

Day 1 + 45 minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a Snickers

[Coalition]

A Starbucks barista doesn't wear a surgical mask. They wear a coughy filter

****

So no one told you life was going to be this way
Your job's remote, you're broke, you're hiding from a plague
It's like you're always stuck in quarantine
You might be there a week, a month, or even a year

****

Before people start laughing too much, remember that pandemic jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets it

[Nutso]

So no one told you life was going to be this way
Your job's remote, you're broke, you're hiding from a plague
It's like you're always stuck in quarantine
You might be there a week, a month, or even a year

It works. Somehow it works. Unlike our immune systems.


I heard a Banana Republican bemoaning the way the coronavirus is working against the ideal of smaller government
He feels that we should have left it to the market to sort things out
In fairness, he turned out to be a mortician
-John Cleese


The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying.
Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.
And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.


Omg, the coronavirus has killed 12 Brazilian people!
How many is a brazilian?

Okay. That's enough endemic jokes about the pandemic. Now onto something fresher.


I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.
That priest is in prison now.

[Graham Kennedy]

"It's a five minute walk from my house to the local bar. It's a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house."

"The difference is staggering!"

[IanKennedy]

I was disappointed to discover that Dunkirk wasn't a biography by William Shatner.

[Nutso]

I was disappointed to discover that Dunkirk wasn't a biography by William Shatner.

[Coalition]

I was disappointed to discover that Dunkirk wasn't a biography by William Shatner.

Or by the various women he met

[Graham Kennedy]

A guy calls a law office and asks, "How much will it cost for you to answer 3 questions?"
The lawyer says, "About $3000"
"Isn't that kind of high?" asks the guy.
"I guess," says the lawyer, "What's your last question?"

[Nutso]

They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase, and they are lovely.

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes.
Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years but they’re having a really hard time putting their case together.

If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully:
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don't.

Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.
But by tomorrow I should be fine again.

Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you never turn your back on your own family.

A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank...
The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.

Pandemics aren't a joke! Nevertheless...

The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors:
1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is

[Coalition]

Calling a pizza place:
Caller: "I'd like two large pepperoni pizzas, a beer, and a bottle of water"
Pizza place: "That's two large pepperoni pizzas, a Bud light, and what was that other item?"
Caller: "A beer"

[Nutso]

Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.
"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I becam‌‌e ‌‌a prostitute.‌‌"
‌‌"Y‌‌e what!‌‌? Ge‌‌t ou‌‌t ‌‌a here‌‌, y‌‌e shameles‌‌s harlot‌‌! Sinner‌‌! You'r‌‌e ‌‌a disgrac‌‌e t‌‌o thi‌‌s Catholi‌‌c family.‌‌"
‌‌"OK‌‌, Dad..‌‌. a‌‌s y‌‌e wish‌‌. ‌‌I onl‌‌y cam‌‌e bac‌‌k t‌‌o giv‌‌e mu‌‌m thi‌‌s luxuriou‌‌s fu‌‌r coat‌‌, titl‌‌e dee‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a te‌‌n bedroo‌‌m mansion‌‌, plu‌‌s ‌‌a ‌‌5 millio‌‌n saving‌‌s certificate‌‌. Fo‌‌r m‌‌e littl‌‌e brother‌‌, thi‌‌s gol‌‌d Rolex‌‌. An‌‌d fo‌‌r y‌‌e Daddy‌‌, th‌‌e sparklin‌‌g ne‌‌w Mercede‌‌s limite‌‌d editio‌‌n convertibl‌‌e that'‌‌s parke‌‌d outsid‌‌e plu‌‌s ‌‌a membershi‌‌p t‌‌o th‌‌e countr‌‌y clu‌‌b ..‌‌. (take‌‌s ‌‌a breath‌‌) ..‌‌. an‌‌d a‌‌n invitatio‌‌n fo‌‌r y‌‌e al‌‌l t‌‌o spen‌‌d Ne‌‌w Year'‌‌s Ev‌‌e o‌‌n boar‌‌d m‌‌y ne‌‌w yacht i‌‌n th‌‌e Riviera.‌‌"
‌‌"Wha‌‌t wa‌‌s i‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d y‌‌e ha‌‌d become?"‌‌, say‌‌s Dad‌‌.
Girl‌‌, cryin‌‌g again‌‌, "‌‌A prostitute‌‌, Daddy!‌‌"
‌‌"Oh‌‌! M‌‌y Goodness‌‌! Y‌‌e scare‌‌d m‌‌e hal‌‌f t‌‌o death‌‌, girl‌‌! ‌‌I though‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d ‌‌a Protestant‌‌! Com‌‌e her‌‌e an‌‌d giv‌‌e ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Da‌‌d ‌‌a hug!‌‌"

[Nutso]

Due to a severe increase in teachers having affairs with their students, homeschooling has been banned by the Governor of Alabama.

Had a fight with an erection this morning.
I beat it single-handedly.

The joke industry has been hit particularly hard by Covid.
Nobody has walked into a bar in months.

[Nutso]

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

I hate you and love you for this one.