The Joke Thread

[Graham Kennedy]

A bug just flew in my window and exploded.
I think it was a jihaddy long legs.


What do we want?
Time travel!
When do we want it?
It doesn't make any difference!


I have a fear of giants.
Feefiphobia!


C, E Flat and G walk into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, no minors".


When I was at school, the English teacher pointed at me and said, "Name two pronouns".
I said, "Who, me?"


Two vultures board an airplane, each carying two dead racoons.
The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


What internet search engine do Israelis use?
Netanyahoo!


A gladiator walks into a bar and says "I'll have a martinus."
"Don't you mean a martini?" The bartender asks.
"No," the gladiator responds, "I only want the one."


What do you get if you cross a financial adviser with a Richard Curtis movie?
Love Actuary!


This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air.
"Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!"
"Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up?" I asked,
"Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said.
So I dropped him. I'm not having any thieving Muslim stealing my breakfast!


Without C, we'd all be programming in OBOL or BASI

[Nutso]

A bug just flew in my window and exploded.
I think it was a jihaddy long legs.


What do we want?
Time travel!
When do we want it?
It doesn't make any difference!


I have a fear of giants.
Feefiphobia!


C, E Flat and G walk into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, no minors".


When I was at school, the English teacher pointed at me and said, "Name two pronouns".
I said, "Who, me?"


Two vultures board an airplane, each carying two dead racoons.
The flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


What internet search engine do Israelis use?
Netanyahoo!


A gladiator walks into a bar and says "I'll have a martinus."
"Don't you mean a martini?" The bartender asks.
"No," the gladiator responds, "I only want the one."


What do you get if you cross a financial adviser with a Richard Curtis movie?
Love Actuary!


This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air.
"Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!"
"Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up?" I asked,
"Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said.
So I dropped him. I'm not having any thieving Muslim stealing my breakfast!


Without C, we'd all be programming in OBOL or BASI

[Mikey]

A boy comes home from school to find his mother "entertaining" a man who wasn't his father. Curious as to what's going on, the boy hides in his mom's closet to observe. The boy's father comes home early, so the mom has her outside man hide in the closet as well. "Dark in here," says the boy.

"Yes," says the man.

"How about you buy my baseball glove?" says the boy, "for $100."

"That's ridiculous!" says the man.

"OK, I'll just tell my dad," says the boy, whereupon the man pays the boy the $100.

Next week, the same situation occurs. Again hidden in the closet with the man, the boy says, "Dark in here."

"Yes," agrees the man.

"Wanna buy my baseball bat for $200?" Of course, the man agrees again.

Later that week, the father notices the $300 on the boy's dresser and asks about it. "I sold my bat and glove," explains the boy.

The father says, "Cheating your friends like that is no way to behave. I'm taking you to the church right now so you can confess!"

At the church, the boy enters the confessional booth, sits down, and says, "Dark in here."

The priest replies, "Don't start that crap again!"

[Tinadrin Chelnor]

A boy comes home from school to find his mother "entertaining" a man who wasn't his father. Curious as to what's going on, the boy hides in his mom's closet to observe. The boy's father comes home early, so the mom has her outside man hide in the closet as well. "Dark in here," says the boy.

"Yes," says the man.

"How about you buy my baseball glove?" says the boy, "for $100."

"That's ridiculous!" says the man.

"OK, I'll just tell my dad," says the boy, whereupon the man pays the boy the $100.

Next week, the same situation occurs. Again hidden in the closet with the man, the boy says, "Dark in here."

"Yes," agrees the man.

"Wanna buy my baseball bat for $200?" Of course, the man agrees again.

Later that week, the father notices the $300 on the boy's dresser and asks about it. "I sold my bat and glove," explains the boy.

The father says, "Cheating your friends like that is no way to behave. I'm taking you to the church right now so you can confess!"

At the church, the boy enters the confessional booth, sits down, and says, "Dark in here."

The priest replies, "Don't start that crap again!"

[IanKennedy]

A boy comes home from school to find his mother "entertaining" a man who wasn't his father. Curious as to what's going on, the boy hides in his mom's closet to observe. The boy's father comes home early, so the mom has her outside man hide in the closet as well. "Dark in here," says the boy.

"Yes," says the man.

"How about you buy my baseball glove?" says the boy, "for $100."

"That's ridiculous!" says the man.

"OK, I'll just tell my dad," says the boy, whereupon the man pays the boy the $100.

Next week, the same situation occurs. Again hidden in the closet with the man, the boy says, "Dark in here."

"Yes," agrees the man.

"Wanna buy my baseball bat for $200?" Of course, the man agrees again.

Later that week, the father notices the $300 on the boy's dresser and asks about it. "I sold my bat and glove," explains the boy.

The father says, "Cheating your friends like that is no way to behave. I'm taking you to the church right now so you can confess!"

At the church, the boy enters the confessional booth, sits down, and says, "Dark in here."

The priest replies, "Don't start that crap again!"

Wait a moment. There's a priest in a closet with a child and we're meant to think he was there for the mother?

[Mikey]

Well, suspend your disbelief for the sake of the joke.

[Nutso]

Why haven't Aliens visited our Solar System yet?
They looked at the reviews... Only 1 star.


If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.


Just been on the web site BIGBUSTYCOONS.COM
Those guys really know how to run bus companies!

[Graham Kennedy]

Just been on the web site BIGBUSTYCOONS.COM
Those guys really know how to run bus companies!

[IanKennedy]

Just been on the web site BIGBUSTYCOONS.COM
Those guys really know how to run bus companies!

Reminds me of a real website. Experts Exchange who's URL was http://www.expertsexchange.com
Now it could be a group of experts swapping information or it could be something else.

[Graham Kennedy]

There's a lot of ones like that. For example if you want to hire a celebrity, you need to know who represents them. So you go to www.whorepresents.com

Or if you want a custom pen made for you, you go to www.penisland.net

My favourite is the website for finding therapists... www.therapistfinder.com

[Graham Kennedy]

The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here!”


A time traveller walks into a bar.

[Nutso]

Set you Wifi password to 244466666,
So you can say the password is 123456.

It's absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler
Hitler volunteered for the army.

Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks
They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.
The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road. (at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!) One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

Truckers and priests. Two professions who have reason to fear lawyers.

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[Nutso]

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.

Dating is a lot like fishing...
Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

[IanKennedy]

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.

[Graham Kennedy]

So I went to pick my friend Jack up at the airport yesterday. I wound up getting arrested. Apparently they didn't like it when I saw him and yelled "Hi Jack!"