The Joke Thread

[Mikey]

That's a veeeery British joke!

OK, I should have gotten that one, because my daughter used to watch that show when she was quite young. I guess my mind bleached itself of that.

[Mikey]

√-1 2³ ∑ π

...with ice cream.

Or, for those with more of a sci-fi bent...
May the {dV/dt (mv)} be with you.

[Angharrad]

The other day Jane and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Jane called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first Then he started writing a third
ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. we came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we are retired. It's important at our age.

[Graham Kennedy]

√-1 2³ ∑ π

...with ice cream.

Took me a minute!

[Mikey]

The other day Jane and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Jane called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first Then he started writing a third
ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. we came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we are retired. It's important at our age.

I saw this one the other day, but with the addition that the seniors saw a Trump sticker on the car.

[Mikey]

I once opened a night club called "Erectile Dysfunction," but it was a flop.

Nobody came.

[Graham Kennedy]

I once opened a night club called "Erectile Dysfunction," but it was a flop.

Nobody came.

[IanKennedy]

I once opened a night club called "Erectile Dysfunction," but it was a flop.

Nobody came.

Initially I thought it would be difficult to open a club called "Erectile Dysfunction", but then I thought it can't be hard at all.

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

I once opened a night club called "Erectile Dysfunction," but it was a flop.

Nobody came.

I once opened a night club called "Erectile Dysfunction," but it was a flop.

Nobody came.

Initially I thought it would be difficult to open a club called "Erectile Dysfunction", but then I thought it can't be hard at all.

Perfect setup by Mikey, perfect follow-through by Ian. Internets for the both of you!

[Captain Seafort]

This is the only thread suitable for this:

An email that was accidentally sent to all the NHS's staff in England has caused havoc.

One of the health system's employees fired off the message on Monday morning without realising they had copied in 840,000 of their co-workers.

The action quickly clogged up the system and was exacerbated by users hitting "reply all" to complain.

The distribution list was disabled at 10:00 GMT, but some users continue to have problems.

The secure email system is used by NHS staff and other approved organisations to discuss healthcare and related activities.

"It's driving me bananas," one doctor - who asked not to be identified - told the BBC.

"The thing is hundreds of people have been replying to all.

"My NHS email is very important to me because it's the only secure way I can send and receive anything safely about my patients.

"So, this is a major problem [and] potentially a risk to patients."

A spokeswoman for NHS Digital said it was not a member of its IT team who had sent the message, but declined to identify the culprit, saying they were not to blame.

"A number of email accounts have been operating slowly," said NHS Digital in a statement.

"This was due to an NHS Mail user setting up an email distribution list which, because of a bug in the supplier's system, inadvertently included everyone on the NHS Mail list.

"As soon as we became aware of the issue, we deleted the distribution list, so that no-one else could respond to it.

"We anticipate the issue will be rectified very soon."

Oops.

[Teaos]

Re: Re: Re: Fwd: lol

[Nutso]

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."
Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

All credit to this redditor: https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments ... y_is_that/

[Nutso]

When I was told I had one leg shorter than the other
I thought I would look silly in orthopedic shoes.
Now I stand corrected.

[Nutso]

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.

So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- they seem very fit, but young and untrained. The shopkeeper asks the farmer if he wants any help.

"Why yes," says the farmer. I need a team of sheepdogs to help round up my flock. I have a rather large number of sheep, you see, and I don't think any of these young pups would be up to the task of rounding up so many."

The shopkeeper says, "I've got just the thing for you." and leads the farmer into a small back room, where a single sheepdog sits waiting.

"Are you sure?" asks the farmer, "I have very many sheep and I don't think one dog will be able to round all of them up.".

"I'm sure." says the shopkeeper, "This is a very intelligent dog. He's been well-trained for many jobs and has skills beyond any other dog I've ever seen."

"Yes," says the dog, "I know six languages, eight martial arts and I have a degree in engineering." The farmer, clearly very impressed by this dog- who wouldn't be impressed by that?- decides to take him home.

That afternoon, the farmer and the dog walk together up hill, and from the top they can see the entire flock covering the fields. "Well," says the farmer, "I'd like you to round up all of these sheep.".

"Okay." replies the dog, "You have nine hundred sheep."

https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments ... 895_sheep/

[Mikey]

I have an Epi-pen with great sentimental value. My dear friend gave it to me as he was dying of anaphylactic shock.

**************

Two nuns are driving through the country side when a vampire leaps in front of their car.

The first nun screams, "Quick, show him your cross!"

The second nun scowls and says, "Get away from my damn car!"