The Joke Thread

[Mikey]

Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while, they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out, "We got him!"

[Mikey]

A police officer pulls over Erwin Schrodinger and asks him to open the trunk. After a quick peek, the officer says, "Are you aware that you have a dead cat in here?"

Schrodinger replies, "Well, I am now."

[Mikey]

I'd like a job cleaning mirrors. It's something I could see myself doing.

What do you call it when Batman leaves church early?
Christian bail.

If you're cold, go stand in the corner - those are usually about 90 degrees.

[Mikey]

Obama and Bush are having a quiet conversation together when Obama says, "You know, I got 100 Brazilian troops to help us in the fight against ISIS."

Bush pauses a moment, visibly impressed, then says, "Wow! Exactly how much is a brazillion?"

[Mikey]

Technically speaking, an alcoholic beverage IS a solution.

[Angharrad]

Technically speaking, an alcoholic beverage IS a solution.

[Nutso]

Living Will

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine!!

The little bastids.

[Graham Kennedy]

Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps
with everybody at the party except you.

Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a republican?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade: Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Is It In?"

Q. What are three words women hate to hear when having sex?
A. "Honey, I'm home!"

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..

Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hair balls.

Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?
A: Crust.

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork

[Mikey]

Wow, Graham's working blue! Anyway:

A bear and a rabbit happen to be taking a dump near each other in the woods. The bear says, "Listen buddy, mammal to mammal - do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

"No," answers the rabbit, "I don't."

So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

[Tholian_Avenger]

What if a fifth lamp gave a wavelength Cardassians could see but Humans could not?
Madred was just trying to help old John Luke see the light

[Graham Kennedy]

I have a vague thought I've posted this one before, but what the hell.



So there's this little boy called Timmy, and his story is a very sad one, as he was born blind. Timmy tried ever so hard to live a full life despite this, but it was very difficult for him and often he was frustrated and sad. What made him especially sad was that thought that he would never see his mother's face, because Timmy loved her more than anything in the world, and although he had no idea what 'beauty' was, he was sure that his mother must be the most beautiful person in all the world because she was so kind and loving.

One morning, when Timmy was nine years old, his mommy said to him "Timmy, tomorrow is a very, very special day. A magical day, really. You see, if you go to bed tonight making one wish just as hard as you can, over and over until you fall asleep, then in the night your wish will be granted!"

Timmy was terribly excited by this, and spent all day rehearsing his wish. That night he begged his mommy to let him go to bed early just so he could do some extra wishing before he fell asleep, which she kindly did. Timmy he lay there for hour after hour, whispering "I wish, I wish, I wish my eyes would work properly, so that I can see just how beautiful and wonderful my mommy is, please please please..." over and over and over again, wishing just as hard as he could.

Finally he fell asleep, with his wish the last thing he thought of before he drifted off.

Well the morning came, a beautiful sunny morning. Timmy's mommy came and woke him up bright and early, calling "Timmy, darling! Today is the special day! Wake up, wake up!"

And little Timmy woke up and bounced up in his bed, so happy to hear that the special day had come at last. Finally, he opened his eyes and looked at his beloved monther.

"But mommy!" He cried out in an agony that was so intense that it was almost physical, "I can't see you! I'm still blind!"

"I know!" Said his mother excitedly. "APRIL FOOL!!!!"

[McAvoy]

Damn...

[Mikey]

Translation guide from British to English

[Reliant121]

It's more worrying how true the majority of those are.

[McAvoy]

I don't see how any of those are British. Most if not all of them mean the same thing here over in 'Murica.