The Joke Thread
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RK_Striker_JK_5
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Re: The Joke Thread
Most of those, i got. Admittedly, some I didn't. But the ones I did?
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Graham Kennedy
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Re: The Joke Thread
Any one in particular?Angharrad wrote:I don't get it.
Give a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. SET a man on fire, and you will keep him warm for the rest of his life...
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Angharrad
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Re: The Joke Thread
About half of them.GrahamKennedy wrote:Any one in particular?Angharrad wrote:I don't get it.
“You cannot play God then wash your hands of the things that you've created. Sooner or later, the day comes when you can't hide from the things that you've done anymore.”
And then Buffy staked Edward. The End.
From Slave to Princess
And then Buffy staked Edward. The End.
From Slave to Princess
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Sonic Glitch
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Re: The Joke Thread
Which half?Angharrad wrote:About half of them.GrahamKennedy wrote:Any one in particular?Angharrad wrote:I don't get it.
"All this has happened before --"
"But it doesn't have to happen again. Not if we make up our minds to change. Take a different path. Right here, right now."
"But it doesn't have to happen again. Not if we make up our minds to change. Take a different path. Right here, right now."
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Angharrad
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Re: The Joke Thread
The left half.Sonic Glitch wrote:Which half?Angharrad wrote:
About half of them.
“You cannot play God then wash your hands of the things that you've created. Sooner or later, the day comes when you can't hide from the things that you've done anymore.”
And then Buffy staked Edward. The End.
From Slave to Princess
And then Buffy staked Edward. The End.
From Slave to Princess
Re: The Joke Thread
Spsst, Angaharrad, top or bottom.....half. 
God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.
.................................................Billy Currington
.................................................Billy Currington
Re: The Joke Thread
11 and 12Graham Kennedy wrote:Any one in particular?Angharrad wrote:I don't get it.
Trata las situaciones estresantes como lo haría 1 perro: si no puedes comértelo o jugar con ello, méate encima y lárgate!!!
Handle stressful situations as a dog would: if you can't eat it or play with it, pee on it and get out of there!!!
Handle stressful situations as a dog would: if you can't eat it or play with it, pee on it and get out of there!!!
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Lt. Staplic
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Re: The Joke Thread
11. unionized could be pronounced union-ized or un-ionized depending on if it's a plumber or chemist respectively.
12. 31 in base 8 is the same number as 25 in base 10.
12. 31 in base 8 is the same number as 25 in base 10.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Re: The Joke Thread
Ok thanks.
Trata las situaciones estresantes como lo haría 1 perro: si no puedes comértelo o jugar con ello, méate encima y lárgate!!!
Handle stressful situations as a dog would: if you can't eat it or play with it, pee on it and get out of there!!!
Handle stressful situations as a dog would: if you can't eat it or play with it, pee on it and get out of there!!!
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Mikey
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Re: The Joke Thread
Q: Why can't you hear a psuchiatrist going to the bathroom?
A: Because the "P" is silent!
A: Because the "P" is silent!
I can't stand nothing dull
I got the high gloss luster
I'll massacre your ass as fast
as Bull offed Custer
I got the high gloss luster
I'll massacre your ass as fast
as Bull offed Custer
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Graham Kennedy
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Re: The Joke Thread
Apparently, California has the highest rate of Depression and Adultery in the US. It's a sad State of affairs.
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I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision!
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So sad America ranks 25th in the world in math. But at least we're still in the top 10!
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Nice try, but I'll believe a salad is "to die for" when a convict chooses one for his last meal.
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I finally found a diet plan that works. It's called 'The Cost of Food'.
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Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together, but only one of them knows it.
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I broke up with my gym. We were just not working out.
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My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things. But I laugh more.
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That whole 'I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine' thing doesn't work so well with cats.
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The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.
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Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it but there's no need to show it off.
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The cashier told me "Strip down, facing me." How was I to know she meant my debit card?
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I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision!
---
So sad America ranks 25th in the world in math. But at least we're still in the top 10!
---
Nice try, but I'll believe a salad is "to die for" when a convict chooses one for his last meal.
---
I finally found a diet plan that works. It's called 'The Cost of Food'.
---
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together, but only one of them knows it.
---
I broke up with my gym. We were just not working out.
---
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things. But I laugh more.
---
That whole 'I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine' thing doesn't work so well with cats.
---
The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees," so I did, but now I can't open it because the door faces the wall.
--
Intelligence is like underwear. It's important that you have it but there's no need to show it off.
--
The cashier told me "Strip down, facing me." How was I to know she meant my debit card?
Give a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. SET a man on fire, and you will keep him warm for the rest of his life...
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Graham Kennedy
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Re: The Joke Thread
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away," they said. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Scotland..."
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away," they said. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Scotland..."
Give a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day. SET a man on fire, and you will keep him warm for the rest of his life...
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Angharrad
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Re: The Joke Thread
A man is in bed with his wife, he asks her if she wants to have sex.
"No."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes."
"Can I phone a friend?"
"No."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes."
"Can I phone a friend?"
“You cannot play God then wash your hands of the things that you've created. Sooner or later, the day comes when you can't hide from the things that you've done anymore.”
And then Buffy staked Edward. The End.
From Slave to Princess
And then Buffy staked Edward. The End.
From Slave to Princess
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Tsukiyumi
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Re: The Joke Thread
There is only one way of avoiding the war – that is the overthrow of this society. However, as we are too weak for this task, the war is inevitable. -L. Trotsky, 1939
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Mikey
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Re: The Joke Thread
A psychologist is making his rounds in a psych ward when he comes upon two roommates - one is sawing imaginary wood, while the other is hanging upside-down from the ceiling. "What are you up to?" the shrink asks the first patient.
"Oh, just some carpentry," replies the first patient.
"What's he doing?" the doctor asks, pointing at the second patient hanging from the ceiling.
"Don't mind him, he just thinks h's a light bulb," answers the first patient.
The psychologist pauses, then asks, "Don't you think you ought to convince him to come down before he gets hurt?"
The first patient looks incredulous for a moment, then answers, "How am I supposed to finish my work in the dark?"
"Oh, just some carpentry," replies the first patient.
"What's he doing?" the doctor asks, pointing at the second patient hanging from the ceiling.
"Don't mind him, he just thinks h's a light bulb," answers the first patient.
The psychologist pauses, then asks, "Don't you think you ought to convince him to come down before he gets hurt?"
The first patient looks incredulous for a moment, then answers, "How am I supposed to finish my work in the dark?"
I can't stand nothing dull
I got the high gloss luster
I'll massacre your ass as fast
as Bull offed Custer
I got the high gloss luster
I'll massacre your ass as fast
as Bull offed Custer