The Joke Thread

[Mikey]

First:

Second: Old fart survey - how many other people get this one -

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid....... I was petrified.

(She's not dead, BTW.)

[Lt. Staplic]

I got it.....I wouldn't call myself old

[Reliant121]

I would be very worried if people did not understand that. Its still well known now

[SomosFuga]

Not a pic but still funy:


We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules:

1 Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1 Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1 Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides, let it be.

1 Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1 Crying is blackmail.

1 Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
JUST SAY IT!

1 Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1 Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1 A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1 Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1 If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1 If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1 You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1 Captain Cook did not need directions and neither do we.

1 ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1 If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1 If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are probably lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1 If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1 When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, really.

1 Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:
Sex, sport, cars or politics.

1 You have enough clothes.

1 You have too many shoes.

1 I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[Deepcrush]

Posted something similar on FB, gf punched me in response... Look on her face as she read it was priceless.

[Angharrad]

(written by kids)


1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10



- No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10



2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..

-- Camille, age 10



3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8



4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

-- Lori, age 8



5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)



-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

-- Martin, age 10



6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

-When they're rich.

-- Pam, age 7 ( Love her )



-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

- - Curt, age 7



-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

- - Howard, age 8



7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )



8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8



And the #1 Favorite is .......



9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky, age 10

[Mikey]

Ricky's going to do well for himself.

[SomosFuga]

I like number 3 and 9 the better.

[Tholian_Avenger]

Young mister Alan has a good head on his shoulders.

[colmquinn]

Guy walks into the bar with a gun in hand.

"Alright who's been sleeping with my wife" he shouts

A voice from the back says " you don't have enough bullets mate"

[colmquinn]

So there was I having a chat with Graham last week. telling me about his latest holiday in the canary Islands. After a while he said he got sick of lying around the pool and following the Mrs about the shops so he decided to do some library work and scientific research of his own.
He came back home and said confidently "there are no carary's on the canary islands".

He is seemingly looking forward to his visit to the virgin islands next year.



No offense Graham

[Mikey]

• I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but,

by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole

thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!



• The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,

so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.



• Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were

shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend

is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.



• My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in

his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this

year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching

altogether."



• Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could

only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great

though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars,

Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.



• Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said

yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question

please."



• The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is

having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.



• A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The

operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same,

but the ironing is piling up!"



• I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you

get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said

she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't

been listening."



• My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to

prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of

her clothes back.



• I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new

children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a

good product name.



• There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping

center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of

the bomber jackets.



• The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could

contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but

our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

[Tsukiyumi]

[Angharrad]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica — where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of its family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and one by one, they begin to emit a unique sound — a haunting bird-song that sounds like this:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

Then, they kick him in the ice hole . . .

You didn’t really believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

[mwhittington]

I saw a great t shirt that had a mother and young daughter on it...
Daughter: Mommy, does Barbie come with Ken?
Mother: No, sweetheart, she comes with G.I. Joe., she only fakes it with Ken.