The Joke Thread

[Mikey]

Pardon me, I'm going to look for a heavy blunt object with which to bash my skull.

[Tsukiyumi]

Well done, Staplic, well done. Actually got me laughing today. I didn't think that was possible.

Or at least probable.

[RK_Striker_JK_5]

I feel smarter for having actually laughed.

[Vic]

I know exactly what you feel like RK.

[Sonic Glitch]

Ever wonder why one side of a V of geese is longer than the other?

More geese on that side

[Mikey]

Hmmm, now where's that "cyber-bitchslap" key again?

[Mark]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change..

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 13 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 4 hours late.

"Where the hell have you been? Why are you over 4 hours late getting home?" asked John...

"A bunch of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John , "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"Star Wars." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "Ok, ok...call that thing off! We watched a porno called Anal Sex Addicts!"

"I am ashamed of you son," said John . "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents, AND I never watched that kind of smut."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[Deepcrush]

[Captain Seafort]

[Mark]

Does anyone remember this oldie but goodie from 1989, sung to the tune from Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer?

New Kids Got Run Over By a Reindeer

New kids got run over by a reindeer
all the little children are in shock.
No more loud annoying high falsetto-oh-ohhh
Now there's no more New Kids on the Block.

They were singing their new hit song
Cover Girls with the Right Stuff.
Now thy're trophies for a reindeer,
mounted on his mantle, Hangin' Tough.

Many times I was mistaken,
when I went to see their show.
Danny, Donny, Joe, John, Jordan,
or was it Larry, Curly, Shemp and Moe-oh-oh-oh-ohh?

New kids got run over by a reindeer
all the little children are in shock.
No more loud annoying high falsetto-oh-ohhh
Now there's no more New Kids on the Block.

Now the New Kid fans are cryin',
and they say this really sucks!
But don't blame it on the reindeer,
Cause I'm the one who gave him fifty bucks.

Life is great without the New Kids,
Now let's deal the final blow:
Drop our pants and hang our hineys,
And tell their fans it's really mistletoe--oh-oh-oh-ohh

New kids got run over by a reindeer
no more little brats for me to mock.
No more pre-pubescent high falsetto-oh-ohhh
Now there's no more New Kids on the Block


I loved that song

[Mikey]

Good times.

[Graham Kennedy]

Even though we both speak the same language, it's amazing how there are some subtle differences between American-English and proper English:
They say "sidewalk" we say "pavement"
They say "pants" we say "trousers"
They say "buried at sea" we say "naked and chained to a metal bed frame with a car battery connected to his bollocks whilst being beaten for answers".

----

Osama Bin Laden's famous last words:
"Hey Ali, what does this "add a location to my tweets" button do?"

----

10 years. Trillions of dollars. Thousands of soldiers dead. State of the art technology. The US finally found Bin Laden.

In his house.

----

My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.

----

Somehow, the African version of House just wasn't quite as gripping :

"Doctor, I can't work out what's wrong with me!"
"You've got AIDS."

----

Some yob attacked me down the local park tonight with a bat.
I was really impressed at how well he'd trained it.

----

Adele called her first albums 19 & 21 because they are numbers that have special importance to her life
Her follow up 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510 is due out in the summer.

----

My girlfriend said that I'm too immature for her.
I said "If I'm immature, how come I've got an Arsfor?"
She said "What's an Arsfor?"
"To poo with!" I said, and giggled for 20 minutes.

----

Putting a pin through all of my best friends condoms seemed like a good idea at the time.
Backfired though when I found out my wife is pregnant.

[mwhittington]

An astronomer, a priest, and an engineer are to be executed by guillotine. The priest is first, and the executioner asks if he has any last requests. "I want to be face up, so that I can see where I will be going when I die". The request is granted, and the blade is dropped, but stops just an inch from his neck. "It is a sign from God! I am to be spared!", he cries out. So his captors free him and let him go. The astronomer is next, and his request the same "so that the stars are the last thing I see before I die". The blade drops, stopping just an inch from the neck, just as before. The captors are baffled, and let him go as well. Finally, it's the engineer's turn. His request: "I want to be face up, to see this simple but very effective piece of machinery at work". The blade is dropped, and again, the blade stops just an inch from his neck. The engineer quickly cries out, " Oh, hey, I think I see the problem!"

[Mikey]

A penguin takes his car to a mechanic, who informs the penguin that he'll need an hour to check it out. The penguin decides to go get an ice cream to kill the time. Unfortunately, he's got no hands, so he makes a mess and gets his vanilla ice cream all over his beak. He goes back to the mechanic, who tells the penguin, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No," answers the penguin, "that's just a little ice cream."

[Mikey]

A young man is at the Super Bowl, trying to sneak down to better seats, when he notices an elderly man sitting 5 rows up on the 50, with an empty seat next to him. The young man cant believe such a choice seat is vacant, so he asks the older man, "Is this seat taken?"

The older man says, "Well, it's my wife's seat but you can set for a moment."

"Is your wife here?"

"Well, let me explain," says the older man. "My wife and I have gone to every Super Bowl since the first one together, so I always got two tickets. She's not here today, though, because she passed away."

"I'm so sorry," says the younger man. "But I'm curious... these are such great seats, couldn't you get a friend or family member to come with you?"

"Unfortunately, no," answers the older man, "they're all at her funeral."