The Joke Thread

[Tsukiyumi]

Ah, civilian society.

Always wondered why I didn't quite fit in.

[Foxfyre]

That lastline is so true.........read teh damn contract.

I'm going to have to remember this since I Separate from the Navy in August.....and being a sailor.....F**K tends to be a common way of saying hello, damn, there is a problem, great job ect.

[Tsukiyumi]

Try that at a civvie job.

[Sonic Glitch]

I'm going to have to remember this since I Separate from the Navy in August.....and being a sailor.....F**K tends to be a common way of saying hello, damn, there is a problem, great job ect.

Try that at a civvie job.

Try doing that in a civvie teaching job, which IIRC is where Foxfyre intends to end up?

[Griffin]

I'm going to have to remember this since I Separate from the Navy in August.....and being a sailor.....F**K tends to be a common way of saying hello, damn, there is a problem, great job ect.

Try that at a civvie job.

Try doing that in a civvie teaching job, which IIRC is where Foxfyre intends to end up?

Yeah, teaching hobbits about schools I think

[Foxfyre]

I'm going to have to remember this since I Separate from the Navy in August.....and being a sailor.....F**K tends to be a common way of saying hello, damn, there is a problem, great job ect.

Try that at a civvie job.

Try doing that in a civvie teaching job, which IIRC is where Foxfyre intends to end up?

Yeah, teaching hobbits about schools I think

F*cking good comments. lol

[Deepcrush]

Rules of dating a Drill Instructors daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Deepcrush]

This was originally a US Marine joke told by the Royal Marines as to way no one agreed with the USMC on what a good joke is to play on your enemy. It started when a joint op between the Royal Marines and USMC in the first Gulf War resulted in a prank contest. The RM's planned a prank on the USMC, however the USMC platoon wasn't there as they planned their prank on an Iraqi unit nearby.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Special Forces Challenge
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One U S Special Forces soldier is better than ten Taliban."

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out "One U S Special Forces soldier is better than one hundred Taliban."

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out again "One U S Special Forces soldier is better than one thousand Taliban."

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machineguns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's actually two of them."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you're wondering, the real prank was a Marine throwing shoes at the Iraqi unit. Then the Marine ran away from the Iraqi's who followed into an ambush.

[Tsukiyumi]

"Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's actually two of them."

[Deepcrush]

Yeah, I heard it the first time when my brother came home from the First Gulf War. Granted back then I didn't understand what the big deal was about throwing a shoe at someone...

[Vic]

You could build a movie out of the prank contest. I can picture that perfectly, just clear as day.

[Deepcrush]

That would be a great movie.

[Deepcrush]

The Five Most Dangerous Things in the Army

Discussion Board on this Military Joke

1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..."

2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."

3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..."

4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."

5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this $#!+..."

[Graham Kennedy]

Never give up your seat to a lady - that's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

I got home from work the other day and my wife was wearing this slinky outfit. It only really worked when she went downstairs.

Recently we got the box set of Doctor Who and watched it back to back. Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV.

[Lt. Staplic]

Warning: Physics jokes follow.

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are staying overnight in a hotel room. About half way through the night the physicist wakes up and finds that his room is on fire. He quickly grabs a notepad quickly jots down some equations then grabs a bucket of water and with one quick motion uses the least amount of water and energy possible to put out the fire. He then climbs back into bed and goes to sleep. A little while later the engineer wakes up to find his room too is on fire. He quickly begins scribbling equations on a nearby notepad and after adding in a extra safety factor proceeds to drench the room in water. He then climbs back into his slightly soggy bed and goes to sleep. The mathematician wakes up a little bit later to find that his room too is on fire. He quickly begins scribbling on his portable blackboard. When finished he proudly proclaims, "I have proven that a solution exists" He then climbs back into bed and goes to sleep.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are brought into a highschool where they have all the boys lined up on one side of the gym and all the girls on another. they are told that every 30 seconds they are supposed to exactly half the distance between them. The three are then asked when the two groups will meet. The Mathematician immediately proclaims "Never", the physicist says, "in an infinite amount of time". The Engineer looks at the two groups and replies "Well....in about five minutes they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathematician are traveling in Scotland when they look out the window and see a black sheep in the middle of a field. "How interesting," The astronomer notes, "I didn't know all Scottish sheep were black." "no, no, no," the physicist replies, "SOME Scottish sheep are black." The mathematician gases skyward in reflection then says, "In Scottland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A mathematician, a biologist, and a physicist are sitting in a café looking at a neighboring house. While they sit they see two people walk into the house, and a little while later they see three people walk out. "One of our measurements wasn't very accurate," The physicist notes. "They must have reproduced," The biologist says. Finally the mathematician speaks up, "Now, if exactly one person walks back into the house, it will be empty."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why are Quantum Physicists bad at sex?

If they have the momentum they can't find the position, and if they find the position they don't have the momentum

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Higgs-Boson walks into a church. The priest immediately says, "What are you doing, you can't be in here." The Higgs-Boson replies, "Why not, without me you can't have mass."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To get to the otherside.
Why'd the Tachyon cross the road?