The Joke Thread

[Griffin]

[mwhittington]

I heard Gilbert Godfrey was fired from doing the voice of the duck on Aflac for some very off color jokes on his Facebook, or Twitter, or something. One of them was along the lines of:
I just broke up with my Japanese girlfriend the other day, but that's okay, another one will float by soon enough.

[Graham Kennedy]

I gather that in Japan the entire street lighting system has been knocked out. But that's okay, everyone glows in the dark now anyway.

[Mikey]

Oh boy, here come the retread Chernobyl jokes.

[Graham Kennedy]

Actual announcements heard from train drivers on the London Underground system :


1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to
be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'


2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'


3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'


4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'


5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street .... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.


6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'


7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided.'


8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'


9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'


10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'


11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'


12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'


13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!'


14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

[Tsukiyumi]

Good stuff. I wish any of our metro operators had a sense of humor.

[Mikey]

The PATH announcers might, but nobody would know. The PA they have is less intelligible than Marlon Brando speaking through a McDonald's drive-through.

[Griffin]

How do you get an Irish man drunk?

You can't, he already is.

(Yeah, I know, its crap)

[mwhittington]

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar...


Hey, it could happen!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walk into a bar. The bar instantly explodes because no building known to man could ever hold that amount of awesome.

[Graham Kennedy]

Stolen from Milton Jones...


My sister suffers from hay fever. She also has diabetes. I tried to cheer her up with presents... you know, the kinds of things girls like... flowers, chocolates...

Recently my grandad died. About a month before, we put grease all over his back. He went downhill pretty fast after that.

I got bird flu. I was upset, but these things are all relative. If I had rabies and you offered me bird flu instead, I'd bite your hand off.

Last summer I set up a clinic for colonic irrigation. But the hose pipe ban hit us hard...

[Mikey]

You should return them to Mr. Jones.

[Tsukiyumi]

I tend to agree.

I guess bad jokes are an art form of their own, but...

[IanKennedy]

You have to see Milton to actually get the full impact of the 'bad jokes'. He's, shall we say, very visually distinctive and has a unique stage presence. Here a clip:
Milton Jones

[Deepcrush]

Found this site and its just filled with jokes.

http://www.strategypage.com/humor/default.asp

[Deepcrush]

12 Step Program for the Military

Discussion Board on this Military Joke

1. I am in the military , I have a problem. This is the first step to recovery...

2. Speech:
Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530or 1400 it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, workout, get used to it.
"F *ck" cannot be used to -replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".
Grunting is not talking.
It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "out"
People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC

3. Style:
Do not put creases in your jeans.
Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
So does a low reg, but not as bad.
A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of the world.
you do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.

4. Women:
Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.

5. Personal accomplishments:
In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.
Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.

6. Drinking:
In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you"
That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka iv's will also not be a good conversation starter

6. Bodily functions:
Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is
VD will also not be funny

7. The human body:
Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.

8. Spending habits:
One day, you will have to pay bills
Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
One day you will need health insurance

9. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):
Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.

10. Real jobs:
They really can fire you.
On the flip side you really can quit.
Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800

11. The Law:
Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.
Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't,in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested
Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.

12. General knowledge:
You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, be polite.
Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time.