Clients from hell

[Mikey]

Gah! Bill Engvall was absolutely right.

[Sonic Glitch]

Gah! Bill Engvall was absolutely right.

Here's your sign?

[Mikey]

Gah! Bill Engvall was absolutely right.

Here's your sign?

Exactly.

[Lighthawk]

One where the programmer actually deserved it

Client: “Hmmm, could you make it bigger?”

Me: “That’s what she said.”

Client: “You’re out.”

I did a promotion for a local mineral-water producer.

At the final presentation he said: “Well I think 0 calories still sounds like too much. The target group should drink it cold so it has negative calories because the body has to heat the water.”

Client: “I want the site to be metallic and cool, like ‘blow your head off’ cool, like the Transformers”

Me: “This is for a wedding photography business, right?”

Client: “So? Optimus Prime can’t shoot a fucking picture?”

"Can you make our website track their webcams? I want to make sure that anybody on our site aren’t creepy-stalker types."

Client: “We want a no-right-click script so people, by which we mean paedophiles, can’t save pictures from our custom gallery of kids.”

Me: “But the gallery has an ‘email me this picture’ form.”

Client : “That’s for parents.”

Client: “We like the green, but it’s just a little too green. Can you use our green?”

Me: “That is your green.”

Client: “Oh, well it looks more limey. We want it more like our green.”

Me: “The limey green is your green. It is exactly what is used on your logo type.”

Client: “Oh, okay, well then can you change it by one?”

Me: “One what? Do you want it lighter, or darker?”

Client: “No, just change it by one.”

Me: “I don’t understand what ‘change it by one’ means. I can make it lighter, darker, more yellow, more cyan… But when I change it, it’s not going to be the same as your corporate green.”

Client: “Okay, well let’s just change it by one and have a look.”

"Hi could you please fix my website so that people in Canada can’t see it? It makes fun of hockey and I don’t want to get hurt."

[Mikey]

One comment - damed straight Optimus Prime could shoot a f***ing picture.

[Tsukiyumi]

I was thinking the same thing.

One I agree with finally.

[Captain Seafort]

The universe and human stupidity...

[Tsukiyumi]

The universe and human stupidity...

[Lighthawk]

A client once gave me some text which included a spelling error. Instead of saying “you spelled that wrong” I tried to be tactful about it. I said I wasn’t sure about the spelling so I looked it up in the dictionary and discovered that it was spelled differently. Then the client insisted that there was a typo in the dictionary and we had to go to press with the spelling mistake.

This was for a series of employee training modules at a nuclear power plant:

“That chart about the different kinds of radiation makes the radiation seem too scary. Can you make it look friendlier?”

"Here is some hair I cut off of my poodle. Make my fabric match my poodle."

"I got together 6 of my trusted friends, we each had a bottle of wine and printed out all 47 pages of the website you designed. I have written the notes out on every page - we have a lot of tweaks."

After having delivered an eCommerce site to a client, he called me on the phone, explaining that he had experienced some problems ordering products. While on the phone, I explained to him that I would do a test order to see if I could reconstruct the problem he experienced. The ordering went fine, but suddenly he says

Client: “Wow, I got an order from you here. You want that Jacuzzi? I’d suggest [some Jacuzzi name] instead!”

Me: “As I explained to you, that was a test order. I don’t want any Jacuzzi”

Client: “Well, you ordered one, now you have to pay. I’ll just take it of your invoice.”

"Most of our photos are all white people, but we need to show more diversity, and we don’t have the budget for another photoshoot. But I’m sure you can just change them to various races, I mean, that’s what a graphic designer does, right?"

"Here, I really like Apple’s logo, so I’ve taken their logo and put our name under it."

The Brief: A series of 12 covers for children’s puzzle books. To use bright primary colours.

Client: “You seem to have used some colours more than once”.

Me: “Yes, there are only so many colours”

The client: “Well you’re the designer. Can’t you come up with some new ones”.

"Our web application support team doesn’t know html or javascript, can you redo the project so you aren’t using those?"

"That other website is stealing our business. Can you make it so that when someone types in their address they come to our site?"

[Tsukiyumi]

After having delivered an eCommerce site to a client, he called me on the phone, explaining that he had experienced some problems ordering products. While on the phone, I explained to him that I would do a test order to see if I could reconstruct the problem he experienced. The ordering went fine, but suddenly he says

Client: “Wow, I got an order from you here. You want that Jacuzzi? I’d suggest [some Jacuzzi name] instead!”

Me: “As I explained to you, that was a test order. I don’t want any Jacuzzi”

Client: “Well, you ordered one, now you have to pay. I’ll just take it of your invoice.”

"Okay. I'll be over on Tuesday to shatter your kneecaps with a crowbar."

[Mikey]

Or, the Jersey version: "Add rush shipping, so I can come over sooner to shove the tub up your ass sideways."

[Sonic Glitch]

Or, the Jersey version: "Add rush shipping, so I can come over sooner to shove the tub up your ass sideways."

Ah yes, I will never forget the day in HS band when one of our flute players threatened one of our clarinet players by telling them if they did/didn't stop whatever it was they were (or weren't) doing {i forget the particulars that prompted the outburst} they were going to "shove this flute up your ass not this way {holding flute vertically} but this way {holds flute horizontally}"

[Mikey]

That's a lot of brass for a flute player.

[shran]

Are flutes even made of brass? If not, he certainly has a lot of it.

[Nutso]

Flute players are the enforcers of the High School Bands.