The Joke Thread

[Deepcrush]

[Mikey]

Close to midnight, a cop is doing his rounds of "lover's lane" when he noticed a car parked with the dome light on. He strolls over and looks in the window and sees a person in the front seat, and one in the back. He taps on the window, which opens to reveal a fully-clothed young man in the front seat reading a book and a clothed young woman in the back filing her nails. "What are you kids doing?" the cop asks.

The man says, "I'm reading a book, and I think she's fixing her nails back there."

"How old are you, son?" asks the cop.

"I'm 21," answers the young man.

"How about her?"

"What time is it?" the man asks the cop.

"About 11:45 pm," the cop says.

"Well, then, she's about 15 minutes away from 18."

[Sonic Glitch]

What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little whine

[Lighthawk]

How many drugs is Charlie Sheen on?

Enough to kill 2 and a half men

[Mikey]

Hmm. I would have said "all of them."

[Mark]

Tools part 1 Keep this handy tool guide in your work shop.....

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your canned drink across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner, where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the....??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers, to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of Intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws

. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. Works equally as well on boxes and thumbs.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

"DAMMIT" TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage While yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Lighthawk]

[Mikey]

Truer words were never spoken.

[Captain Seafort]

Mark, you do know that this is the joke thread, not the "list of well-known and proven facts" thread?

[Tsukiyumi]

Mark:

[Graham Kennedy]

This joke is in horribly bad taste and you shouldn't read it if easily offended :




I slept with a Japanese girl the other week. She was screaming "I can feel the Earth move and I'm getting really wet!"

[Mikey]

[Deepcrush]

[mwhittington]

[Vic]

Oh God