The Joke Thread

[Sonic Glitch]

Child: Dad, is God black or white?
Dad: Maybe both.
Child walks away and comes back later.
Child: Dad, is God a man or a women?
Dad: Maybe both.
Kid walks away and comes back later.
Child: Dad, is God Michael Jackson?

[Tsukiyumi]

[Angharrad]

Total spit coffee alert. I so want to work for the Australian board of tourism.

On a note related to the Vienna Boys Choir schedule: while in the lobby following a Broadway show, my wife and I were looking at the mementos, programs, and assorted crap for sale. One guy working one of the stands (i.e., failed a/o unhireable actor) kept trying to sell my wife a lipstick case adorned with what he continued to call "genuine Australian crystal."

[Mikey]

Yeah, I'll stop drinking coffee when you stop being so damned dependent on oxygen.

[Graham Kennedy]

I like sickipedia...

As a Christian I was deeply offended by tonight's Top Gear where it was suggested that the the new 'Stig' was born in Israel.
The Stig is a fictional character dressed in white, whose entire history is nothing more than a load of ridiculous, made up stories and no one has ever actually seen him.
Whereas Jesus, on the other hand...

"How depressing, it's so cold and grey," said the wife.
"Well, it is January," I replied... then I noticed the dead elephant lying in our front room.

Today,the girl who works next to me in the office came back from lunch and started shouting.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"Somebody left a note on my desk saying, "You're the ugliest bitch I have ever seen!"
"Don't look at me," I said.
"I wasn't implying it was you, I just-"
"No seriously, don't look at me; you're hideous!"

[IanKennedy]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.



Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy.



I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.



Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year." Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."



My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.



Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.



I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.



After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.



A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."



Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.



2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

[Mikey]

Funny how such a language barrier can exist among speakers of the (supposedly) same language.

[stitch626]

What language barrier, I though all of those were hilarious...

[Mikey]

What language barrier, I though all of those were hilarious...

Really? You know what "Hovi" is?

[Graham Kennedy]

I can honestly assure you that there is no such thing as a "hovi".

[stitch626]

What language barrier, I though all of those were hilarious...

Really? You know what "Hovi" is?

Its Hovis and its a brand of bread in the UK.

[Mikey]

...and, a typical American would be expected to know that how, exactly?

[stitch626]

I don't know. But it isn't a language barrier, any more than someone from the backwoods of Burundi not knowing what a Chrysler is.

Come to think of it... how did I know that?

[Mikey]

I don't know. But it isn't a language barrier, any more than someone from the backwoods of Burundi not knowing what a Chrysler is.

Come to think of it... how did I know that?

The fact of a British term not being part of the American lexicon is definitely exemplary of a language barrier. As is, apparently, the fact that I made the comment as a tongue-in-cheek cast-off.

[IanKennedy]

I don't know. But it isn't a language barrier, any more than someone from the backwoods of Burundi not knowing what a Chrysler is.

Come to think of it... how did I know that?

The fact of a British term not being part of the American lexicon is definitely exemplary of a language barrier. As is, apparently, the fact that I made the comment as a tongue-in-cheek cast-off.

Yes, but Hovis is a brand name not some British word you don't understand.