The Joke Thread

[Griffin]

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Dave."

"Dave who?"

Dave holds back tears as he realises his mother's Alzheimer's is getting worse.

[colmquinn]

Are you visiting sikipedia lately? There's some great stuff on there but its not for the faint of heart!

[Mikey]

Are you visiting sikipedia lately? There's some great stuff on there but its not for the faint of heart!

Some of that is hysterical, some is cringe-inducing, and some is completely incomprehensible to anyone who's not from the Isles.

[colmquinn]

Are you visiting sikipedia lately? There's some great stuff on there but its not for the faint of heart!

Some of that is hysterical, some is cringe-inducing, and some is completely incomprehensible to anyone who's not from the Isles.

Its meant to be where people put their original jokes so you do get some great stuff mixed with rubbish. I've posted 4 accepted jokes, user name qu1nnc ( I had another that got 200+ positive votes but was deemed too similar to another so got merged ) Its rumoured that Frankie Boyle + some other comedians post their new material there to see what the reaction is before they use em at shows but no proof so all just hearsay.

If there's a major news story/ celeb death/ murder in the media you can be guaranteed of a joke about it appearing there within an hour.

[mwhittington]

I just heard from a friend living in the Northeast. He says it's snowed heavily for three days now. His wife has done nothing but stare through the window.







He says if it doesn't stop snowing soon…... he’ll probably have to let her in.

[Deepcrush]

[Vic]

[Mikey]

I got a new car for my wife.


I call it a more-than-fair trade.

[Griffin]

Are you visiting sikipedia lately? There's some great stuff on there but its not for the faint of heart!

Shhhhhhhhh, thats where I get my jokes from!

Anyway;

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!

This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?" The man replies, " David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hell are you mate?" And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones!"

[Lt. Staplic]

Man walks into a bar and immediately orders a shot and a beer. He downs the shot and looks at the left breast pocket of his coat. He then drinks the beer, looks again, and orders another shot and beer. He does this again, taking the shot, looking at his pocket, the beer, looking at his pocket, and ordering another shot and beer. Finally the Bartender says, "Alright, what's going on with your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in here, when she looks good I go home."

[Angharrad]

Are you visiting sikipedia lately? There's some great stuff on there but its not for the faint of heart!

Blocked!

Reason:

The Websense category "Tasteless" is filtered.

[colmquinn]

Tasteless is exactly what it is. If you can be offended by anything in the world you will find it there, somewhere buried away in the bowels of the site but its there.
(Insert standard disclaimer here for non responsibility for content etc)

[Reliant121]

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

- - -
Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

- - -

Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

Depends how much you've been drinking.

- - -

I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the rail-road tracks (Sweden)?

Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

- - -

Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

What did your last slave die of?

- - -

Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

- - -

Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

- - -

Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

- - -

Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

- - -

Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

You are a British politician, right?

- - -

Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

- - -

Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

- - -

I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

- - -

I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

- - -

Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

Yes, gay night clubs.

- - -

Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

Only at Christmas.

- - -

I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)

Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

- - -

Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Mikey]

Total spit coffee alert. I so want to work for the Australian board of tourism.

On a note related to the Vienna Boys Choir schedule: while in the lobby following a Broadway show, my wife and I were looking at the mementos, programs, and assorted crap for sale. One guy working one of the stands (i.e., failed a/o unhireable actor) kept trying to sell my wife a lipstick case adorned with what he continued to call "genuine Australian crystal."

[Vic]