The Joke Thread

[Mark]

[Mikey]

Reminds me of the quadraplegic woman.

She was sitting in her wheelchair, looking at the beach, when a strapping young man walked by and heard her crying. "What's wrong, miss?" he asked.

"It's this damn chair," she answered. "Do you know, I've never been kissed?"

The young man bent over and kissed her passionately, then walked off, leaving her with a huge smile on her face.

A couple of weeks later, he finds her in the same place, crying once again. "What's the matter now?" he asks.

"It's this damn chair," she answers. "You know I've never... I've never been fucked." He immediately scoops her up in his arms, walks to the end of a jetty, and throws her in the water.

Before the waves close over her, she manages to sputter, "What'd you do that for?!"

He looks down at her and says, "Well... now you're fucked."

[Reliant121]

Thats both amusing and horrible at the same time. I havent quite determined which emotion I think is dominant yet.

[Graham Kennedy]

Beware, this one is nasty. I'm putting spoilers on it, don't highlight unless you've a high threshold for nastiness.

What's twelve inches long and makes a woman scream in the night?

Crib death.

[Mikey]

The best ones always make us feel bad about laughing at them.

@ Graham -

12 inches? If you've got a 12-inch-long baby, then chances are it's sleeping in an incubator in a hospital.

[stitch626]

Way to ruin the joke Mikey.

But yeah, I was 21 inches, which seems the healthy average (well, at least in my family).

[Tsukiyumi]

That is a healthy average.

[Foxfyre]

Here is one that made me groan a bit....

A lady came into the kitchen, sat down at the table, leaned forward, put her head in her hands and said to her husband "Honey, I feel terrible! My head hurts, my back's killing me and my left breast just burns and burns." He said "I'm gonna help you, Dear. I'll get you some aspirins for the headache, I'll rub your back with Myoflex for the backache, and if you'll sit up and get your breast out of the coffee, it'll stop burning!"

Here is another

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women :

Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.

That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.

Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).

Five Minutes - If getting dressed, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.)

Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.

Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)

Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)

Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)

[Mikey]

Way to ruin the joke Mikey.

I checked. I made sure to put that in spoiler tags.

[Mark]

[stitch626]

Way to ruin the joke Mikey.

I checked. I made sure to put that in spoiler tags.

Well... you still ruined it for those who obsess about reading spoiler tags.

[Captain Seafort]

Like Mark.

[Mark]

Let's not start that again. Those damned tags still drive me batshit

[Nickswitz]

We know they do

Thats why we put them.

[Mark]