The Joke Thread

[colmquinn]

I was talking to my friend today in the pub and asked what was happening lately, he said his mum was peeling potatoes for dinner today and she fell down.
Paramedics said she was dead before she hit the ground. Massive heart attack.
I said christ dude what did you do?.

He said what could we do, we ordered in

[Deepcrush]

Reminds me when my mother fell down the stairs bringing groceries. She shattered her ankle and lower leg bones... then yelled at me after I called 911 for not putting the cold foods aways and wasting time.

[thelordharry]

Grammar is important: Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack off a horse.

[Deepcrush]

Grammar is important: Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Unless ya from Texas to which case grammor ain't importn't and both Jack and jack are true.

Hey Tsu...

[Deepcrush]

You know you're drunk when alcohol does it's taxes it lists you as a dependent.

[mwhittington]

An old German Shepard is wandering with his master when he chases a squirrel in the jungle. The squirrel loses him, and the German Shepard realizes he's lost in the woods when suddenly he notices a panther sneaking up behind him. Rather than run away, he notices some old bones next to him, and he sits down with his back to the panther and starts gnawing on the bones, saying, "man, that was a delicious panther. I wander if there are any more around here?" The panther stops in mid-stalk after hearing the Shepard, and slowly backs off and runs away, thinking, "whew, that was close, that Shepard almost had me." The squirrel saw the whole thing in a tree and catches up to the panther. He tells the panther everything in exchange for some protection, and the panther is furious at being made a fool. "Climb on my back and watch what I'm gonna do to that German Shepard" the panther replies. As they get close, the Shepard notices them both, but rather than run away, he lays down with his back to them, and when they get closer, he says loudly, "man, where is that squirrel? I sent him to find me another panther over ten minutes ago!"

[Deepcrush]

[Mark]

That was actually clean enough to share at the office

[Sionnach Glic]

Shortly before my Grandfather died he fell very ill. Concerned, we went to a local doctor who specialised in traditional remedies. He recommended covering Granddad's back in oil.

He went downhill very quickly after that.

[Lighthawk]

Shortly before my Grandfather died he fell very ill. Concerned, we went to a local doctor who specialised in traditional remedies. He recommended covering Granddad's back in oil.

He went downhill very quickly after that.

*groan*

[Reliant121]

Dad rofl'd. I facepalmed.

[Tsukiyumi]

Hey, Rochey, do you have some sort of "Big Irish Book Of Bad Jokes" or what?

[Reliant121]

Can't be.

Not nearly enough alcohol involved.

[Sionnach Glic]

Hey, Rochey, do you have some sort of "Big Irish Book Of Bad Jokes" or what?

It's sort of a coping mechanism. You see, I've been in mourning for the last few days as a friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. They say a strong currant pulled him in.

[Mikey]

You're one bad quip short of a felony offense.