The Joke Thread

[Deepcrush]

Boot to the Head

That was great!

[Lighthawk]

Boot to the Head

Well, that was random and idioic...and yet oddly amusing.

[Foxbat]

Some original source material for 'Boot to the head':

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5kGUW6M7W0

[Mikey]

Two elderly ladies - Jane and Gertrude - are sitting on the porch of their nursing home, drinking coffee and smoking. Suddenly, it starts to rain. Jane reaches into her purse, pulls out a condom, snips the tip off with a pair of scissors, and slides it over her cigarette. "What the hell is that?" asks Gertrude.

"It's a condom," Jane replies. "Keeps my cigarette dry. You can get them at any drugstore."

Gertrude visits the drugstore the following day. She shuffles her walker up to the counter and announces, "I need some condoms!"

The clerk looks the 90-year-old up and down and, flustered, asks, "Um, any particular brand?"

Gertrude squints at the clerk and says, "I don't know about that. It just has to fit a Camel."

[Tsukiyumi]

Nice.

[Lighthawk]

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my husband purchased a week of
personal training for me at the local health club. Although
I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea
to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic
clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but
found it was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing
eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he
was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
the door.. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs
were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full
mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can
brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in
the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky
for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets
this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put
me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth
exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late--
it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not
looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny
bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine--
which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has
ever hated any other human being in the history of the
world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic
instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the
machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will
also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for
me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I
still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have
sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[Deepcrush]

Sounds more real then a joke...

[Tsukiyumi]

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral
by the hospital he worked for most of his life.... A huge heart... covered in
flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from
the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the
casket was rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the
beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral.... I'm a gynecologist.'

The proctologist fainted.

[Lighthawk]

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral
by the hospital he worked for most of his life.... A huge heart... covered in
flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from
the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the
casket was rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the
beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral.... I'm a gynecologist.'

The proctologist fainted.

Ugh...so bad it's funny

[Tsukiyumi]

Exactly.

[Mikey]

Might have been the same guy who couldn't decide between psychology and proctology, so he flipped a coin - heads or tails.

[Lighthawk]

Might have been the same guy who couldn't decide between psychology and proctology, so he flipped a coin - heads or tails.

[Tsukiyumi]

[Deepcrush]

[Vic]

Oh God!