The Joke Thread

[Deepcrush]

[Vic]

[Laughing Man]

If this is blue, you're going too fast.

[Mark]

If you are easily offended or immature, please don't read this holiday poem my friend sent me.

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt shitty -- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what the matter
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fat fucker fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"

[Lt. Staplic]

If you are easily offended or immature, please don't read this holiday poem my friend sent me.

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt shitty -- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what the matter
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fat f***er fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"

[Deepcrush]

That was greatness.

[Mark]

What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seals?
They both get clubbed by Norwegians.

What were Tiger Woods & his wife doing out at 3:00 a.m. in the morning?
They went Clubbing.

Trying to iron out things, Tiger sheepishly blurted out, "I thought Rachel
was your middle name."

Tiger's new movie is out: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She
said "I don't know exactly... but put me down for a 5."

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a
hole-in-one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball
400 yards.

Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of
drivers. They are said to be named Elin Woods..."Clubs you can beat Tiger with"

Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up some tips on how to beat
Tiger!

About Golf: What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole?
Ask Tiger, he knows.

Elin's excuse? She had to play a bad lie.

What is the difference between Tiger and his wife?
Tiger uses clubs to hit golf balls and his wife uses clubs to hit Tiger's
balls.

Tiger crashed his car because he was in a rush to move on to the second
hole.

Just because you're the world's no. 1 golfer, it doesn't mean you can't be
beaten by your wife.

What is the par on a Cadillac Escalade?

Why did Tiger Woods hit a fire hydrant and a tree?
His caddie wasn't there to help him decide between an iron and a wood.

Tiger Woods apparently is giving up pro golf. He was rumored saying 'My
putting is still good, but I keep driving into the trees.'

Why did Elin Woods use the 9 iron to bust out the rear window?
Because she has been having problems with the driver.

Tiger Woods is designing a new golf video game. Hydrants are par 1, car
windows are a par 5 and Tiger's face is a par 3.

Comment by Tiger Wood's neighbor on Elin's behavior: "All I can say is that
I haven't seen anyone swing a club so hard after a running start since Happy
Gilmore!"

Tiger has been dropped from the Ryder Cup team as his terrible record of
being beaten by the Europeans continues.

What club did Elin use to 'rescue' her husband? A bitching wedge.

Why did Tiger cross the road?
'Cuz there was a pissed off Swede on this side?

News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods'
crash. They are calling it, " Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger.

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family. His new
name? Cheetah.

What do you do when you see a tiger in a tree?
Call 911. He just had a car accident.

I made it out of my driveway this morning, now I can finally say that I can
outdrive Tiger.

"Elin, I'm never going to complain about your backseat driving again."

What do Tiger & his wife have in common?
They both try to hit his balls as hard as possible.
.
I don't know what set her off. All I said was, "Rachel has a much a tighter
grip."

[Lt. Staplic]

[Graham Kennedy]

Airplane humour.... all true stories.

-----------

Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"

The pilot responded, "We're an SR-71, son, and we don't plan to go up to it; we plan to come down to it."

----------

A pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a 38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

----------

A military pilot once called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

----------

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

----------

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. So they grew rather impatient with a British Airways 747 call sign Speedbird 206 when it had trouble locating its gate.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206, rather frostily : "Yes, twice in 1944. But it was dark. And I didn't land."

----------

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

At which point a British pilot on another plane cut in with "Because you lost the bloody war!"

----------

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f... ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

[Captain Seafort]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. So they grew rather impatient with a British Airways 747 call sign Speedbird 206 when it had trouble locating its gate.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206, rather frostily : "Yes, twice in 1944. But it was dark. And I didn't land."

[Lighthawk]

Airplane humour.... all true stories.

-----------

Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"

The pilot responded, "We're an SR-71, son, and we don't plan to go up to it; we plan to come down to it."

And that's how you shove someone's foot in their mouth.

[Mikey]

A robber breaks into a house one night and begins to inspect his surroundings for prime loot. Suddenly, a voice calls from the darkness, "Jesus knows you're here." The burglar freezes; but after a full minute of silence, he begins to dismantle the entertainment system. As soon as he does so, the voice calls again, "Jesus is watching you!"

Distraught, the burglar searhces the room with his flashlight. Finally, he sees a caged parrot in a corner of the room. "Was that you just now?" he asks the bird.

"Yep," the parrot replies.

"Well, who are you?"

"I'm Moses," answers the parrot.

"Moses?!" asks the incredulous burglar. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

"Well," says the bird slowly, "apparently the same kind of people who would name a 180-lb. rottweiler 'Jesus.'"

[Tsukiyumi]

I like it.

[Mikey]

A man is referred to a urologist for a prostate exam by his primary doctor. The man goes, is shown an exam room, and drops trou. He's stunned to find that the urologist happens to be the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen. She tells him that her exam technique is rather novel so he shouldn't be surprised and should just try to follow her directions. "First," she says, "lie on your right side on the table, draw up your knees, and when I examine just take a deep breath and say 'ninety-nine.'"

He does as he's told and, when he feels her finger, draws a deep breath and says, "Ninety-nine."

"Great," she says, "now on your left side. Remember to take a deep breath and say 'ninety-nine' when you feel me."

He repeats the position and once again, as he feels her poke, says, "Ninety-nine."

"Perfect!" says the doctor. "Now, I want you to lay on your back and raise your knees. I'll examine you with one hand and hold your penis with the other. Don't forget - deep breath and 'ninety-nine.'"

He lays on his back and raises his knees. She takes hold of his penis and pokes, but he's silent. "Sir?"

"Very well," says the man. He draws a slow, deep breath and says, "One... two... three..."

[Mark]

This is soooo me