The Joke Thread

[Lighthawk]

>> What do you call 2 Romulans together?
A dissident cell.
>> What do you call 3 Romulans together?
A dissident cell with a traitor in their midst.

Heh, nice.



Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.

They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it: 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently: 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to you leader, or I will fire!'

The other alien shouted to his comrade 'No, you mustn't anger him!' but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other and said: 'What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But, how did you know it was so dangerous?'

The other alien answered: 'If there's one thing I've learned during travels thorough the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, you don't mess with him!'

[Tsukiyumi]

[JudgeKing]

[Lighthawk]

Bad pick up lines...

I'm bigger and better than the Titanic. Only 200 woman went down on the Titanic.

Want to see my Hard Drive? I promise it ain't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy.

Hi, my name is Doug. That's "god" spelled backwards with a little bit of you wrapped up in it.

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!

Hi. I'm an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus.

You make my software turn to hardware.

There is something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn't have your number in it.

What's wrong? You look a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin me.


And the worst of them all...

You know six beers ago you were fucking ugly.

[Angharrad]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[stitch626]

I almost lost my drink on those.

[Tsukiyumi]

*snip Quantas stuff*

This is why I won't fly unless it's my plane and I'm the pilot.

[Sonic Glitch]

*snip Quantas stuff*

This is why I won't fly unless it's my plane and I'm the pilot.

That's why I'm going to make sure my next flight is with Quantas. Ah those crazy Aussie's....

[Deepcrush]

[Mikey]

ROFLMAO!

[Mark]

I love it

[Mark]

An interview with a REAL doctor (if this guy practiced in Hawaii, I'd SOO be his patient)

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you! 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Sionnach Glic]

Two atoms walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says "You know, I think I've lost an electron." The other atom asks "Are you sure?" The First atom replies "Why yes, I'm positive."

A neutron walks into a bar, and asks how much it is for a drink. The bartender replies "For you? No charge."

[stitch626]

I just told those to my chemistry professor...
She gave me 5 bonus points.

[Mikey]

I heard a slightly different version:

An anion and a cation were both applying for a job. After their interviews, they met in the building lobby. The anion said, "How do you think you did?"

The cation said, "I don't know... I don't think I have much of a chance."

The anion said, "Why are you always so negative?"