Page out of my book

[Monroe]

This is a book I've been working on for over three years, and unlike some people (thinking of a certain family member of mine) who start a book and then work on it for 15 years and get no where my older brother and I have progressed nonstop the three years.
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Don't worry there's like 60 pages of character development before this. I can't go into too much detail on it yet but since there's nothing really fancy about a battle I figured I'd post and see what you guys think.

[Mikey]

Hmm... very vivid - in a good way. You mentioned "Greek" for Okin - but, despite the Gallic names, I would have guessed Roman, becuase nobody else used a pilum, as you described here:

the soft metal of the spear shaft bent in a way that drugged the shield down into a unwieldy device causing the men to soon discard it.

And you mention "knights," which implies equestrian troops, but neither Greeks nor Romans used cavalry much - the Romans had a small cavalry force, but it was certainly not a main battle force. I may be taking the idea that you based your cultures on real-world examples too far or too literally, however.

All in all, after reading this, I'd certainly be willing to read more. Trust me - from me, that's a high compliment.

[Deepcrush]

I love it! But I do love the bloodshed for most everything! You have peaked my interest.

[Monroe]

Hmm... very vivid - in a good way. You mentioned "Greek" for Okin - but, despite the Gallic names, I would have guessed Roman, becuase nobody else used a pilum, as you described here:

the soft metal of the spear shaft bent in a way that drugged the shield down into a unwieldy device causing the men to soon discard it.

And you mention "knights," which implies equestrian troops, but neither Greeks nor Romans used cavalry much - the Romans had a small cavalry force, but it was certainly not a main battle force. I may be taking the idea that you based your cultures on real-world examples too far or too literally, however.

All in all, after reading this, I'd certainly be willing to read more. Trust me - from me, that's a high compliment.

Oh the Greeks and Okin are different. They're allies... kind of. The Greeks were one of the seven original houses of the Okin but were exiled 600 years ago. In the last fifteen years the Okin have made a client state out of the Greeks.

I suppose I could change the Knights into just armored house back men and stay away from that word.

And thanks for the compliments
I'm hoping to have the first draft completely done by this summer and by the next fall I'll hopefully be trying to get it published.

[Sionnach Glic]

Cool, I look forward to reading more.

[Mikey]

I suppose I could change the Knights into just armored house back men and stay away from that word.

I don't think you have to - if they are in fact an elite mounted force. I was just taking the analogy to real-life cultures a bit too far.

[Deepcrush]

Knights are different from place to place, time to time. So, you're a writer aren't you? So make something up! It doesn't have to be history, just keep it somewhat close.

[Monroe]

Knights are different from place to place, time to time. So, you're a writer aren't you? So make something up! It doesn't have to be history, just keep it somewhat close.

Well the real elite mounted troops are called Templar. Knights in this world are a step below them.

[Deepcrush]

Well there you go.

[Deepcrush]

Well there you go.

[Monroe]

So not to necro bump this but just wanted to give everyone a heads up. I'm nearly done with the first draft. Once I get it copy writed I'll be happy to give copies of it to anyone who wants for feed back before I attempt to get it published.

Oh and I came up with Nadir as the name of the medieval people in the story. I really like that name